Dogs 'using Photoshopped pictures on adoption websites'

DOGS have been criticised for Photoshopping images of themselves on adoption websites.

Potential owners have spoken out against the misleading photos, which were either taken years earlier or manipulated to cover up missing ears or limbs.

Mary Fisher, from Leatherhead, said: “According to his profile, Butch was a Labradoodle with a gentle nature who enjoyed fetching balls and sleeping in front of the fire.

“When we met it was obvious he was part pit bull, had missing teeth and spent all his time jumping up at the bars. But I’m the bad guy for getting his hopes up. If he’d been honest in the first place I never would have swiped right.”

Welsh collie Tom Booker said: “Everybody lies in these things. The number of owners’ profiles I’ve seen claiming they love the outdoors, then you move in and it’s box sets every fucking weekend while I’m stuck in the back garden.

“Hey, we’re all flawed. Sometimes I piss on the rug. It’s no big deal.”

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Old gay couple who run rural post office ‘definitely into chemsex’

TWO SEMI-RETIRED gay men who run a village post office are enjoying massive orgies on crystal meth, it has been claimed.

77-year-old Norman Steele and his partner Roy Hobbs have been running a post office and convenience store in Gloucestershire for over a decade, while possibly spending their weekends writhing in a pool of drug sweat with up to thirty naked homosexuals.

Villager Stephen Malley, who recently read about ‘chemsex’ in the Telegraph, said: “I never thought about Roy and Norman as depraved hedonists on a self-destructive spiral of meth and GHB-fuelled unsafe group sex.

“But last Monday Norman said he was ‘tired’, which suggests that he spent the weekend doing heroin in the shop’s store room which is actually a sex dungeon.

“Also last week they ran out of brown envelopes, probably because they’d been soaking them in liquid ecstasy then sticking them up their arses.

“And they sell scratchcards, which are a sort of drug when you think about it.”

Local housewife Susan Traherne agreed: “They look really old but they’re probably only about 36. It’s the drugs.”