'Don't take this the wrong way' and four other phrases from people about to insult you

SOME people think that by saying an apologetic phrase first they can tell you you’ve got shit hair. If you hear any of these phrases, you know you’re about to be insulted.

‘Don’t take this the wrong way’

Whatever follows will invariably be a gross attack on your person. It’s typically a damning insult like ‘your glasses make you look like a 1980s serial killer’, which makes you wonder how they could have thought there was a ‘right way’ for you to interpret it.

‘Let me give you some constructive criticism’

A more accurate term for ‘constructive criticism’ is ‘criticism’. Just because you’re trying to package the attacks you’ve made on someone’s parenting style as ‘helpful feedback’ doesn’t lessen the fact that you’ve basically said they’re unfit parents whose children should be taken into care.

‘No offence’

Yes, offence. The sort of arsehole who thinks that pre-loading an insult with ‘no offence’ allows them to say whatever they want is the same sort of idiot who thinks that ‘I’m not racist, but…’ allows them to be massively racist.

‘I’m just being honest’

Not only is this person about to say that they think your partner is a prick, but they’re dressing it up like they have a moral obligation to do so. Apparently you can’t take offence because they were being ‘honest’. Yes you can. Tell them to f**k off.

‘I know it’s not my place to say’

Whoever utters this is relishing the chance to criticise areas of your personal life that should be out of bounds. They might pretend they’re reluctantly speculating that your wife’s leaving you because you’re shit in bed, but really they’re just a nosy twat.

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Overnight oats, and five other foods for awful people

CONSIDER yourself too good for normal meals because you read the recipes in The Guardian? Then you’ll love these needlessly complicated versions of basic food. 

Overnight oats

Requires you to faff around the night before when you just want to go to bed. Ideally the oats should be mixed with fairly poncey ingredients, eg. cashew milk, blueberries, raw honey. Better still, stop being a wanker and just have some Ready Brek.

Buckwheat waffles

Anything calling itself a waffle that isn’t made of pulped potato by Captain Birdseye should be ashamed of itself. The growing fondness for American-style waffles is a national tragedy, but making them out of worthy buckwheat instead of cheap white flour should only be excusable if rationing returns.

Multi-coloured carrots

Middle-class and want to seem quirky? Then you’ll almost certainly have bought some purple carrots from Waitrose that taste exactly like regular carrots but are three times the price. They’re for the same show-offs who buy those weird, tiny, knobbly pumpkins for Halloween.

Quail’s eggs

You need to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror if you’re the kind of person who goes to a farmer’s market to buy the eggs of obscure poultry. If your breakfast includes a quail egg ‘scramble’ on spelt bread, you’re making life far too complicated for yourself.

Savoury crepes

If you go through the process of making crepes and decide to cover them in anything other than Nutella, you’re losing your grip on reality. Electing to put some mushrooms into a dessert to make it fancy and savoury is a sure-fire way of killing off any remaining joy in your life.

Anything ‘deconstructed’

Oh, you’ve taken some perfectly serviceable food and decided to ruin it? Well fantastic, you Heston Blumenthal wannabe. Instead of ‘beef and offal puree on a shard of pastry topped with ale foam’, why don’t you just have a steak and kidney pie and stop wasting everyone’s time?