Friday, 4th December 2020

Professor Chris Whitty's guide to dating

HELLO. Professor Chris Whitty here. Here is my foolproof advice for pulling the birds, in the form of a slideshow presentation. First slide please.

Slideshows

Forget fancy restaurants and expensive displays of affection and invest your money in the latest version of Microsoft Powerpoint instead. Your date will swoon as you smoothly transition between heat maps of the North East. Next slide please.

Lie about your figures

If there’s one thing that women hate, it’s transparency. Whether it’s disease-related statistical projections or boasts about your sexual ability, the trick is to outline a shocking worst case scenario then come in way below that. Your date won’t mind you only lasting three minutes in the sack if you’ve already told her it’ll be a 20-second pump followed by a half-hour cry. Next slide please.

Keep your distance

You should always chat up women from a distance to reduce the risk of fatal respiratory failure. Two metres is the bare minimum, more is better. If you really want to stay safe, try shouting flattering comments across the street at them, eg. ‘Nice arse, darling.’ This always works for builders. Next slide please.

Bring two of your mates

I wish you could hear the hilarious bantz that Johnny Van Tam, Pat Vallance and I have in the government canteen after sinking a few cups of tea. I like to bring them both along on dates as wingmen, because nothing gets the ladies wetter than scientific corroboration between three men in their 50s. Next slide please.

Have a rule-of-three slogan

My latest catchy and slightly patronising rule-of-three slogan guarantees you’ll get somewhere with any bird:

HANDS > FACE > THIRD BASE