SHARING interminable, exaggerated anecdotes about drug experiences should be a criminal offence, it was claimed last night.
Campaigners want to de-legalise a range of class A and B drug tales including ‘The time we gave a horse/a cow/a toad a line of coke’, ‘How I came to neck the pills that are stronger than the world’s strongest pills’ and ‘How I came back from Thailand with a Toblerone made of pure MDMA shoved up my anus’.
Tom Logan, director of anti-drug tale charity Just Say Shut Up, said: “These modern myths are invariably inflicted by some twat who insists on being referred to by his first initial and believes Howard Marks to be a literary genius.
“The average drug tale lasts half a day, depending on the number of dramatic pauses. It burgles your brain, steals your time and should be punishable with the lash.
“I’m not sure prison is the right solution, because they’d only leave armed with more drug anecdotes and some bullshit about how they became leader of a black biker gang.
“Instead they should be force-fed recreational pharmaceuticals and made to listen to the most anodyne Groove Armada tracks until they have clawed out their own eyes and eaten them.”
Roy Hobbs, who prefers to be known as ‘Jezz with two Zeds’, said: “This is just another example of the fascist state oppressing the modern-day shamen.
“Anyway, as I was saying, I’m in Bucharest with Pezz and Mezz. We’d popped some Chinese spangles and we’re wandering along this crazy little street filled with these amazing doors when we meet a man who wants to show us the biggest bong in the world…”
Logan added: “On second thoughts, how does one put together a firing squad?”