You Really Don't Want Us To Show The Actual Burger, Says Burger King

BURGER King last night stressed there is a very good reason why its advertising campaigns do not show the actual burgers.

As the Advertising Standards Authority banned a BK ad for depicting edible food, the company said Britain absolutely does not want to see lingering close-ups of the thing they actually sell.

A company spokesman said: “Of course we show it to be large and fresh and succulent. Quite often people will be trying to eat during a Burger King commercial and the last thing they need to see is our version of food.

“We could do an uncompromisingly realistic advert if that’s what you really want, but there would have to be a large arrow pointing at the meat with the message ‘do not adjust your set, it’s supposed to be that colour’.

“Then we would pan back to see the bloated, pasty, halfwit scum who’s about to stuff this mess into his wonderfully indiscriminating face.

“And perhaps we could even wait for him to flatulate in appreciation as he collapses backwards onto his ghastly sofa and thrusts a fat, greasy hand down the front of his leisure pants.

“Or we could all just carry on with this harmless pretence.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Once again the ASA tries to fix something that isn’t broken.

“Of course we all know what it actually looks like, otherwise the countryside would be overrun with unemployed cows and you’d be sharing your downstairs bathroom with a chicken.”

He added: “The fast food business model is based on a fundamental and perennial truth. Whether for reasons of time, convenience or a simple, bastard hangover, we will all, at some point, find ourselves outside a Burger King, a McDonalds or a KFC thinking ‘oh fuck, I’m actually going to have to eat this shit’.

“Just go with it.”

 

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Dumped Woman In Bid To Corner Global Cocoa Market

GLOBAL cocoa prices have increased sharply after 28 year-old PA Nikki Hollis was dumped by her long-term boyfriend.

Hollis, from Grantham, purchased around seven percent of the world’s chocolate last week after Stephen Malley confirmed that although he loved her, he wasn’t in love with her.

She said: “The plan was to just get a couple of grab-bags of Maltesers that I could eat while calling my best friend Emma and crying down the phone in a bloated orgy of self-justification.

“But my self-control gave out and before I knew it I was in a meeting with the board of Cadbury and posing as the chief executive of Borrison’s, a fictitious supermarket chain that will soon be opening stores across the Midlands and East Anglia.”

Nikki’s original plan was to devour the stockpile while watching the two-part season finale of Grey’s Anatomy and casually masturbating.

But now she intends to increase her cocoa holdings, drive up the price and sell at the top of the market before using the money to build a giant bomb that kills self-centred arseholes.

Tom Logan, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Price hikes like this can cause instability for low volume producers in the developing world. Let’s just hope she doesn’t find out that Stephen and Emma have been at it since March.”

Paul Mansa, a Ghanian cocoa farmer, said: “My wife blames Stephen entirely. However Nikki seems like an annoying, self-absorbed cow so I can understand Stephen’s position.

“Plus, that Emma is into all kinds of weird shit.”