You Really Don’t Want Us To Show The Actual Burger, Says Burger King

BURGER King last night stressed there is a very good reason why its advertising campaigns do not show the actual burgers.

And then they get someone to sit on it

As the Advertising Standards Authority banned a BK ad for depicting edible food, the company said Britain absolutely does not want to see lingering close-ups of the thing they actually sell.

A company spokesman said: “Of course we show it to be large and fresh and succulent. Quite often people will be trying to eat during a Burger King commercial and the last thing they need to see is our version of food.

“We could do an uncompromisingly realistic advert if that’s what you really want, but there would have to be a large arrow pointing at the meat with the message ‘do not adjust your set, it’s supposed to be that colour’.

“Then we would pan back to see the bloated, pasty, halfwit scum who’s about to stuff this mess into his wonderfully indiscriminating face.

“And perhaps we could even wait for him to flatulate in appreciation as he collapses backwards onto his ghastly sofa and thrusts a fat, greasy hand down the front of his leisure pants.

“Or we could all just carry on with this harmless pretence.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Once again the ASA tries to fix something that isn’t broken.

“Of course we all know what it actually looks like, otherwise the countryside would be overrun with unemployed cows and you’d be sharing your downstairs bathroom with a chicken.”

He added: “The fast food business model is based on a fundamental and perennial truth. Whether for reasons of time, convenience or a simple, bastard hangover, we will all, at some point, find ourselves outside a Burger King, a McDonalds or a KFC thinking ‘oh fuck, I’m actually going to have to eat this shit’.

“Just go with it.”