DVLA getting kids to make tax discs

THE DVLA has a team of seven-year-old girls making its tax discs using colourful card and glitter.

The final tax discs come in a variety of one-off designs including a badly-drawn picture of an elephant in a car above the words ’TAKS DIKS’.

A spokesman said: “We’d run out of perforating paper, printer ink and even official intimidating-looking envelopes. Partly because of phasing out tax discs but also because working here makes you very lethargic.

“Luckily the schools are still on holiday. You give kids a shitload of felt tips and scissors and they just crack on with it.

“Our only rule is don’t wipe bogeys on them.”

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Zombie Celtic killed with fire

NK MARIBOR has finally put an end to Celtic’s Champions League campaign by removing its players’ heads and burning their remains.


Undead Celtic seemed to have been defeated in the previous round by Legia Warsaw, only to rise from the dead when the Polish club’s back was turned and devour their brains.

They threatened to do the same to Maribor, but quick thinking on the part of goalscorer Marcos Tavares saw the Hoops knocked out of the Champions League for the second time this season.

Tavares said: “They were quite persistent, but they move slowly and don’t appear to be capable of thought.

“The hard part wasn’t knocking them out, but making sure they stayed out, so I set fire to their heads using some UEFA paperwork as kindling.”

Celtic fan Bill McKay said: “The lads ran themselves into the ground tonight. They left their hearts on the pitch, and their legs, and bits of their heads.”

“It’s just a shame to see them reduced to a decaying, shambling wreck. This club used to stand for something. Now all they care about is brains.”

Scottish football is likely to face more undead trouble in the near future, when the reanimated corpse of Glasgow Rangers returns to the SPL next season.