‘Piss off, you hipster git’ says Mary Berry

BRITAIN cheered last night as Mary Berry told a hipster to get the hell off her television programme.

The veteran cake goddess exploded with rage after the hipster presented her with a bin bag full of baked Alaskan failure.

Berry shouted: “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? This is my house and I will kick your arse.

“If your baked Alaska failed then you present it to me on a plate – like a man.”

The hipster tried to defend himself claiming his pudding was sabotaged by a maniac, but Berry responded by throwing a heavy spoon at his big, bearded face.

As Bake-Off presenters Mel and Sue bayed for the hipster’s blood, Berry added: “Take your bin bag and piss off back to Hoxton, you pop-up twat.”


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All I can hear is heavy breathing and laughter

Dear Holly,

The last couple of days, I have become the victim of a prank caller and it is starting to irritate me. When I pick up, all I can hear is someone heavy breathing who then breaks out into hysterical laughter and then hangs up. All I can tell is that the person is an older male, probably in his late 60s or early 70s. He phones at all hours of the day so I assume he is retired. Any ideas who it might be?

Louis van Gaal


Dear Louis,

My best friend Olivia has her own phone in her bedroom- can you believe it? She is soooo lucky. Her parents are far too busy playing on their iPads to bother reading their phone bill so we can pretty much phone anyone we like. We often used to prank call our teacher, Mrs Babs, although not so much since she had the breakdown. Looking back, it probably wasn’t a good idea to pretend to be Michael Gove and attempt to woo her. I think she was genuinely heartbroken when he didn’t turn up at the pizzeria that night.

Hope that helps!