Elderly parents worried about some bullshit on the radio again

A WOMAN is becoming increasingly annoyed by her parents believing every bit of nonsense they hear on the radio.

Donna Sheridan’s parents regularly pester her with nonsense including insane health scare stories and the opinions of random idiots on phone-ins.

Sheridan said: “Mum said it was on the radio that cheese gives you cancer. It was obviously just a daft news story but she’d already put her Cathedral City in the bin using rubber gloves.

“Then Dad informed me holding a door open for a woman is treated as sexual harassment now. Eventually I established this wasn’t a new law and just the opinion of some fuckwit on Talkradio.

“If it’s not contaminated milk from Latvia they’ve heard about on Farming Today it’s faulty radiators that can blow up without warning.

“I wondered if older people take the radio more seriously, but they’re not listening to Winston Churchill during the Blitz, it’s toss like Let’s Talk Bedfordshire with Mike Dee!

Sheridan’s mother Angela said: “Donna should be thanking me after I phoned her at work to warn her about yoghurts that can make you go blind.”

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The morning routine of not very successful people

WOULD you love to start your day like a highly successful person as long as it doesn’t interfere with your morning shit? 

Do you want to be more productive in the morning but just cannot be arsed? Try this routine:

Set your alarm earlier, then when it goes off shout ‘FUCK YOU!’. Eventually, drag yourself out of bed at the usual time in a really bad mood.

Practice mindfulness by sitting on the toilet for 45 minutes dicking about on Twitter and thinking about how crap your life is.

Think about going for a run. Think about it a bit more. Then sit and list all the reasons why you can’t possibly go for a run until it is too late to go for a run because it is now time for work.

Stand in the shower until you decide that Radox invigorating body wash is full of shit.

Plan to start the day with something healthy, vegan  and gluten-free before pushing a jam-filled Yum-Yum into your still half-asleep face.

Make a mug of detoxifying hot water, lime and ginger, then take two sips before saying ‘fuck this bollocks’ and injecting yourself with Nescafe.