Embarrassing email address amnesty declared

PEOPLE who chose ridiculous email addresses before the internet properly caught on will be allowed to anonymously exchange them.

Research by the Institute for Studies has found that people who still have stupid email addresses are less likely to be gainfully employed or in a functioning adult relationship.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Before email became the world’s main method of communication many people set up addresses such as ‘[email protected]’, ‘[email protected]’ or ‘[email protected]’.

“These individuals look like fucking idiots now that they are using them on a daily basis. This amnesty will allow them to be swapped for something that doesn’t make total strangers hate them.”

All of the email addresses collected in the amnesty will be cut up and melted down to create 17,000 new pages of fear mongering health articles.

Bank manager Nathan Muir said: “When the internet was invented I thought that foreign terrorists would steal all my personal information so I hid behind the email address ‘[email protected]’.

“Then it emerged that the government was scrutinising everything I did as a matter of course, so I might as well have used my real name.

“Can I change my password too? Because it’s ‘wankshaft99’.”