Scotland putting listening devices in shortbread

THE new Cold War with Scotland has intensified with the discovery of radio transmitters in shortbread.

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs was enjoying a shortbread biscuit when he chipped a tooth on a microphone.

He said: “I thought it was weird that a tartan tin packed with shortbread had just appeared on the doorstep, but it looked buttery and delicious so I asked no questions.

“Then I crunched into a tiny black device, about the size of a fly and wrapped in grease-proof paper. Luckily my family were only talking about ITV talent shows and not Britain’s missile defence systems.”

Anti-Scottish sentiment has intensified since the election, with the release of so-called propaganda films including Invaders from Planet Irn Bru 9 and Godzilla vs Tartanicus.

Last night England was in a state of near-anarchy as mobs roamed the streets attacking Angus Steakhouses and people called Callum, neither of which turned out to be Scottish.

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “To be on the safe side I’ve destroyed everything I own which was Scottish, except my Del Amitri album which I burnt shortly after buying it in 1989.   

“It’s a shame because I used to like lots of Scottish things including Highlander and Clare Grogan. But if I met her now she’d probably crush me with her massive caber.”

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Our jobs are not even slightly dignified, Britain points out

THE prime minister’s promise to give everyone “the dignity of a job” has confused Britons whose jobs are a humiliating parade of shame.

The prime minister’s plan for blue-collar conservatism, which has seen his cabinet puzzling their way through Bruce Springsteen’s Born To Run, ignores the facts that most jobs offer all the dignity of greased clowns in a mudpit.

Burger chain employee Stephen Malley said: “I have to wear a hair-net, a beard-net, and a badge showing exactly how well I’m progressing which is why drunks hail me with ‘Oi, one-star, there’s sick on the floor.’

“Barry Chuckle has more gravitas in the workplace than me.”

Marketing manager Carolyn Ryan agreed: “Officially, my job is to sell our company to B2B clients, but actually it’s to dance like a monkey puppet at the behest of my superior.

“Last week he rewrote my presentation so it made no sense and then, when I was halfway through it, stopped me to tell everyone how wrong I was while I stood there like a drooping erection at a Royal garden party.”

Cameron followed up his promise by saying everyone deserves “the pride of a pay cheque”, prompting new employment minister Priti Patel to ask if he had ever heard of BACS payments.