Scotland putting listening devices in shortbread

THE new Cold War with Scotland has intensified with the discovery of radio transmitters in shortbread.

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs was enjoying a shortbread biscuit when he chipped a tooth on a microphone.

He said: “I thought it was weird that a tartan tin packed with shortbread had just appeared on the doorstep, but it looked buttery and delicious so I asked no questions.

“Then I crunched into a tiny black device, about the size of a fly and wrapped in grease-proof paper. Luckily my family were only talking about ITV talent shows and not Britain’s missile defence systems.”

Anti-Scottish sentiment has intensified since the election, with the release of so-called propaganda films including Invaders from Planet Irn Bru 9 and Godzilla vs Tartanicus.

Last night England was in a state of near-anarchy as mobs roamed the streets attacking Angus Steakhouses and people called Callum, neither of which turned out to be Scottish.

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “To be on the safe side I’ve destroyed everything I own which was Scottish, except my Del Amitri album which I burnt shortly after buying it in 1989.   

“It’s a shame because I used to like lots of Scottish things including Highlander and Clare Grogan. But if I met her now she’d probably crush me with her massive caber.”