Potential Farage replacements include something that has never been out of its cellar

UKIP may try to keep Nigel Farage as leader because its strongest candidate is a humanoid known only as ‘Beast’.

The party is set reject Farage’s resignation after looking at its other options and deciding they were too frightening.

A UKIP spokesman said: “Everyone else in the running looks like something from the Star Wars cantina.

“There is strong grass roots support for ‘Beast’, the man-like carnivore that inhabits the basement of UKIP HQ and is fed on a diet of illegal foreigners.

“However there is concern that Beast’s meat-based agenda may alienate our relatively moderate supporters. But maybe an insatiable craving for human flesh is the breath of fresh air that politics needs.”

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Ipswich fan crashed Lamborghini into Tate Britain while celebrating goal

IPSWICH Town winger Paul Anderson is under pressure to pay for goal celebration damage running into hundreds of millions.

Anderson previously offered to cover the damage when one jubilant fan punched a hole in the ceiling after his vital equaliser against Norwich.  

He has since been contacted by 36-year-old Wayne Hayes, who was so overwhelmed by Anderson’s goal that he crashed a high-end Italian sports car into the Tate Britain, causing a fire that destroyed the building, all its contents, and several surrounding homes.

Hayes said: “I was listening to the match in my brand new Lamborghini Gallardo LLP 550-4 when Ando slotted home. Letting go of the steering wheel to punch the air, my car spun out of control and careered into the massive gallery full of priceless art.

“Mercifully, I emerged unscathed, but the car was a write-off and everything around it was on fire. I have DM’ed Ando my address and I look forward to receiving my replacement supercar within a week.”

He added: “The Gallardo that I crashed while celebrating Ando’s goal was also a LLP 550-4, but it was yellow. So if Ando can bear that in mind when he’s buying it, because I really would prefer metallic blue.”