UKIP may try to keep Nigel Farage as leader because its strongest candidate is a humanoid known only as ‘Beast’.
The party is set reject Farage’s resignation after looking at its other options and deciding they were too frightening.
A UKIP spokesman said: “Everyone else in the running looks like something from the Star Wars cantina.
“There is strong grass roots support for ‘Beast’, the man-like carnivore that inhabits the basement of UKIP HQ and is fed on a diet of illegal foreigners.
“However there is concern that Beast’s meat-based agenda may alienate our relatively moderate supporters. But maybe an insatiable craving for human flesh is the breath of fresh air that politics needs.”