Grant Shapps to join Wu-Tang Clan

GRANT Shapps has announced plans to join a rap group that actively encourages the use of multiple pseudonyms.

After being sacked from cabinet in David Cameron’s reshuffle, the ex-Tory chairman was contacted by Wu-Tang Clan founder RZA, who officially invited him to enroll in the Staten Island rap clique.

Shapps said: “I am a man who enjoys inhabiting and exploring different personas and alter-egos. The Conversative party simply couldn’t deal with that side of me, but the Wu-Tang Clan is hugely supportive of it.”

RZA – aka Prince Rakeem aka Bobby Digital – said: “Here at the Wu-Tang Clan, we are always on the lookout for exciting new pseudonym creators.

“Especially if they have a massive collection of 80s martial arts films on VHS, which Grant Shapps surprisingly does.”

Wu member Ghostface Killah – aka Iron Man aka Pretty Toney – said: “Michael Green and Sebastian Fox both sound like small town estate agents, so I’d suggest that Grant think a bit more outside the box for his next alter-ego.

“He could perhaps dub himself Digital Marketah, Clikkbait Providah or even Wikipedia Tinkerah.

“Or maybe just Ol’ Tory Bastard.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Married couple flirting on Twitter

A MARRIED couple are sending each other flirtatious tweets, horrified onlookers have confirmed.

Journalists Tom and Donna Booker have been married for three years, and inhabit the same house, yet they still choose to publicly conduct cloying conversations on the micro-blogging site.

Malley’s co-worker Julian Cook said: “He’s just tweeted: ‘Oh dear… @Donna_B rather miffed that I’m binge-watching Mad Men when she’d rather be catching up on Poldark… #SorryBabeTooSlow’.

“And now she’s replied: ‘Memo to @TomBooker – lucky you’re a looker, or you AND your bloody box sets would be out on their ear! #LoveMyHubbyReally’.

He added: “I only put up with this on the off-chance they’ll start live-tweeting their sexual intercourse.”

Donna Booker’s colleague Nikki Hollis added: “At first I thought Tom couldn’t possibly be her husband, as no sane human would send provocative public messages to someone they were sat right next to on a sofa.

“But it’s right there in their fucking bios. His says: ‘Shacked up with that @Donna_Booker for my sins… ;-)’ and hers goes: ‘@TomBooker is my hubby #LuckyGirl’.”

She added: “I don’t know why I don’t just unfollow them. I guess on some level I despise myself and feel that I deserve to be punished.”