Tough Mudders defeated by normal conversation

INEXPLICABLY popular assault course event Tough Mudder has introduced a new obstacle that involves having a conversation about non mud-based things.

The team-building physical endurance event already featured challenges including ‘Arctic Enema’, ’Deeply Unpleasant Swamp’, ‘Shitload of Mud’ and ‘Yet Another Shitload of Mud’.

However participants have described the new obstacle ‘Basic Social Skills’ as virtually impossible.

38-year-old exercise obsessive Stephen Malley said: “You go into a hut and there’s a person in there with whom you must have a conversation about something other than physical endurance, feeling the burn or hydration levels.

“Usually all I do is bang on about Tough Mudder, or mountain biking at a push, so my mind went completely blank.

“I was on the floor holding my head, trying to make the words come out.”

Recruitment consultant Mary Fisher said: “I am obsessed with all forms of achievement, however pointless, so it’s mega tough to talk about non-competitive things.

“They need to replace this challenge with something more enjoyable, like crawling through a long underwater tunnel full of disgusting filth.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

New cabinet fails initial ‘wave and look normal’ test

DAVID Cameron’s cabinet ministers have proved themselves unable to smile and wave like functioning humans.

As they entered 10 Downing Street yesterday, ministers took turns to half-heartedly lift a hand while maintaining a fixed grimace that was supposed to suggest warmth and empathy.

A Tory source said: “Our public interaction coach spend days working with Iain Duncan Smith, saying things like ‘just make normal eye contact’.

“Iain replied that whenever he makes eye contact with anyone he starts to think about eating their heart.”

Climate change secretary Amber Rudd also faltered with a vacant smile that failed to conceal her true nature as a lizard alien here to plunder Earth’s natural resources.

The source said: “We’ve really got to nail this ‘cheerful greeting’ thing. The SNP lot seem quite good at it, so maybe the secret is that you’ve got to have a few drinks first.”