Ball pits must be ‘drunk friendly’

THE UK’s ball pits must be accessible to drunk adults, according to new legal guidelines.

The move follows ongoing calls for rooms full of brightly coloured spheres to have a friendlier attitude towards fully grown pissed up people.

A government spokesman said: “Many ball pits were operating a draconian ‘children only’ policy, despite their obvious appeal to inebriated adults.

“What’s the point of having ball pits if you can’t go in them after the pub?”

Under the new laws, soft play centres must allow free entry to anyone with a recent pub till receipt for five drinks or more.

39-year-old Stephen Malley said: “Kids are always in bars and restaurants, often being quite annoying. So if they want to come in our world, we should be allowed in theirs, fair’s fair.”

However six-year-old Wayne Hayes said : “It’s okay if they leave sandpits out of this. After a long day at nursery and I just want to kick back and build some sandcastles in peace.

“Sand is, ironically, my oasis.”

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Homeless man returns coffee to Waitrose

A HOMELESS man has returned a coffee that was given to him by someone exploiting Waitrose’s free drinks offer.

Rough sleeper Tom Booker accepted the coffee from a stranger in good faith, not realising she was abusing the supermarket’s offer of free hot drinks for store card holders.

He said: “It gets pretty cold sleeping in this underpass so I gratefully accepted the take-out cappucino from the nice posh lady.

“I was just about to take a sip when my friend Tony mentioned that she gets them from Waitrose for free and just walks out, which is a clear breach of the core principle of the store’s generous drinks offer.

“Naturally I returned it to my nearest store. Everybody there stared at me, I think admiringly.”

He added: “I have to defend Waitrose because without it there would be nothing for people like me to dream of.”