Estate agents amazed that bedsits in grim bits of London not selling for £1m

LONDON estate agents can see no reason why depressing bedsits in Clapham are not meeting their £1m valuations. 

Senior staff from Foxtons, Knight Frank, and Savills held a summit to solve the mystery before concluding that it was as unfathomable as nuclear fusion. 

Estate agent Carolyn Ryan said: “By all known laws of the universe, these properties should be selling like hotcakes. But somehow, incredibly, they’re not. 

“I mean we’re talking modern living spaces by award-winning architects with a close-knit community mix of boutique and aspirational retail opportunities on the doorstep.

“Yes, layout-wise it’s a a single-room human containment unit with a ‘hybrid kitchen sink and urinal’ if you’re willing to pay the extra £22k, but how these cannot sell when three-beds in Blackburn are being snapped up at a tenth of the price baffles me. 

“It’s like we’ve slipped into a parallel universe where everything we know is wrong. Or rather everyone else has.

“Us estate agents are still here, in the real world.”

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Last human to use two spaces after a full stop dies

THE last person to still use two spaces after a full stop has died, it has been confirmed.

While friends and family have mourned the passing of Roy Hobbs, 87, the rest of the world is quietly relieved to see the end of the typographical pedantry that he takes with him to his grave.

His daughter Laura Hobbs commented: “We’re very touched by all the support we have received and we know that dad could never be replaced.

“But yeah, that double space thing was so fucking annoying! Amen to the end of that.”

Hobbs added that she had repeatedly informed her father that double gap was actually an out-of-date nod to the spacing on old typewriters.

She continued: “He kept saying it was ‘proper’ and irritating us all by doing it in text messages and emails until he passed.

“We really will miss him. Full stop. One space.”