Everyone back in the shops because we have learned absolutely nothing

TODAY is being dubbed Wild Wednesday because everyone in England is once again thronging the shops proving that we have learned nothing.

The country, as if determined to demonstrate that it will not adjust its behaviour on pain of death, has celebrated the end of lockdown by being back in the shops, back in the hairdressers and wherever possible back in the pub.

Emma Bradford of Croydon said: “Everything’s safe again. That’s official.

“I’ve already kicked off with a security guard who says I have to wear a mask when I’m in the shopping centre, explaining to the dickhead that it’s just in the shops not in the food court.

“People say we shouldn’t cause a third wave of infection, but I’ve told them I didn’t even cause a second wave. I just did all my normal stuff.”

22-year-old Jordan Gardner agreed: “If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s go out as much as possible whenever you can. I’m meeting 20 different mates today, in three different locations, then going hugging my nan in her care home.

“You don’t need to learn anything when there’s a vaccine. And there’s, like, three of them.”

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Armchair WWII Veteran, and other new courses at the University of Life

BITTER that you dicked around at the School of Hard Knocks and have no formal qualifications? Order the University of Life’s new prospectus:

Armchair WWII veteran

Tragically you were denied the chance to be the D-Day hero you should have been because you were born a mere 60 years too late. This course will have you referencing Dunkirk, El Alamein and Stalingrad as if you were there. Also teaches how to spot and avoid real veterans who can smell valour-stealing Walter Mittys a mile off.

Biased fake-news media studies

Studying the media and how everything they say is biased and false. Accessible for both far-left and far-right students, tutors will educate on how and why they fool everyone apart from insightful geniuses like yourself. Even if you do believe that every shot of Covid vaccine contains millions of nanoscopic Bill Gateses.

Sports administration

This degree rewards you for three decades of yelling at Sky Super Sunday down the pub, giving you full conversational expertise in the high press, false nine, and why Southgate’s shooting himself in the foot if he doesn’t play Grealish. At the end of the course you’ll convince another drunk fan that you know more than Pep Guardiola.

Hindsight

Would you like 20:20 hindsight? Have you always wanted to step in, after someone else has completed a difficult manual task, and tell them how they could have done it much better? Course teaches how to always be effortlessly superior while doing bugger all and talking out of your arse.

English as a foreigner’s language

Prepare for post-EU visits to the continent by learning to speak English slowly at top volume while incuding any and all local idioms. Students who add “-ez” to the end of every word will graduate with first-class honours.

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