Friday, 22nd January 2021

Everyone back in the shops because we have learned absolutely nothing

TODAY is being dubbed Wild Wednesday because everyone in England is once again thronging the shops proving that we have learned nothing. 

The country, as if determined to demonstrate that it will not adjust its behaviour on pain of death, has celebrated the end of lockdown by being back in the shops, back in the hairdressers and wherever possible back in the pub.

Emma Bradford of Croydon said: “Everything’s safe again. That’s official.

“I’ve already kicked off with a security guard who says I have to wear a mask when I’m in the shopping centre, explaining to the dickhead that it’s just in the shops not in the food court.

“People say we shouldn’t cause a third wave of infection, but I’ve told them I didn’t even cause a second wave. I just did all my normal stuff.”

22-year-old Jordan Gardner agreed: “If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s go out as much as possible whenever you can. I’m meeting 20 different mates today, in three different locations, then going hugging my nan in her care home.

“You don’t need to learn anything when there’s a vaccine. And there’s, like, three of them.”