Lone benefit of Brexit will be schadenfreude, experts confirm

THE only benefit Britain will realise from Brexit is that 16 million people can enjoy saying ‘Told you so,’ experts have confirmed. 

As it becomes clear to all but the most fanatical Brexiters that leaving the EU will be detrimental to the UK’s economy, democracy and continued existence, all those who saw it coming can at least look forward to being proved right.

Remain voter Lucy Parry said: “The one upside to all this is watching my Uncle Dave slowly realise that his beloved Brexit is going to be a shitshow.

“It’s hilarious because he thought he was kicking out the Polish shop on the corner of his road, but he works for Nissan so ultimately he’s f**ked himself over by being a racist.

“And when I say ‘funny’, I of course mean horribly tragic and depressing. But, you know, I did tell him.”

Economist Julian Cook said: “Taking pleasure in other people’s troubles is a low way to enjoy yourself, but if we’ve learned anything from 2020 it’s that you take your laughs where you can.

“The word schadenfreude is itself, of course, a German import. We’ll probably have to start paying a tariff for using it soon.”

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Rita Ora's guide to your 30th birthday being more important than a mere pandemic

HI, I’M Rita Ora, the pop star you can’t name any hits by. Would you like to make a ‘serious and inexcusable error of judgement’ like me? Try this: 

Have absolutely no awareness of what a small gathering means

As am entitled obnoxious celebrity, I was only marginally aware that we weren’t doing big parties anymore. I cut my guest list ruthlessly, from 500 to 200 to 100 to a mere 30, all A-listers, but apparently that was still against the rules. Ridiculous.

Illegally hire your favourite exclusive London venue

All hospitality venues being closed didn’t bother me in the slightest. I only go to designer boutiques, private clubs and art galleries when they’re closed because I’m famous, so why should my big devoid-of-thought 30th bash be any different? I paid the ten grand fine in advance. Cash.

Put it all over Instagram

My Instagram is my life, my connection with my fans, my main source of income. So of course my party was going on there. What would be the point of holding it otherwise?

Perfect your apology

As a celebrity laughing in the face of public health, I got my sob story drafted early. It’s only common courtesy to drop your publicist a line to let them know you’re about to piss off an entire country. A few empty sentiments about ‘I know how hard people have worked to combat this virus’ cost nothing.

Flee the country for ‘work purposes’

Once you’ve had your fun, f**k right off. Leave the Jonathan Ross show in the shit, take a private plane to a private island and post a few bikini shots. The tabloid press and their readers don’t care how much of a selfish twat you’ve been if you’ve got great boobs.