Guinness also counts as a substantial meal

A PINT of Guinness counts as a substantial meal in and of itself, the government has confirmed. 

Official approval has been given by meal tsar Michael Gove, who claimed he often has two pints of the Irish stout as a starter with a side salad and then a third pint for his main course.

He continued: “Meals don’t have to be served on a plate. And the black stuff is rich in iron and undeniably filling, so anyone who orders a pint of Guinness in Tier 2 will be allowed to make use of the pub facilities as usual.

“Pubs can only serve drink with substantial meals, which Guinness clearly is, so you can not only drink it but order it with a lager on the side.

“That’s approved by scientists. And if not the scientists are wrong and we’ve had enough of them.

“Oh, and a Bloody Mary might count as a meal as well, because it’s got Worcester sauce in and it’s a bit like gazpacho. I’ll come back later in the week about that one.”

Drinker Stephen Malley said: “So we’re allowed to order a pint that takes 25 minutes to pour and twice that to choke down. Thanks a f**king lot.”

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Kirstie Allsopp's guide to a handmade sex toy Christmas

A PRESENT made with love, care and your own two hands is always better than something shop-bought, especially if it’s a sex toy. Hand out these this Yuletide: 

A glittery pocket dildo

Take a dog chew – not the old-fashioned butcher’s bone type filled with marrow and a pungent smell, but a modern dishwasher-safe rubber one. Spray on glitter and add a little varnish to create a pleasingly seasonal fanny-filler perfect for a great-aunt.

A young man’s first sex-tube

Got nephews? A large Smarties tube covered in cling-film filled with gravy and a handful of gravel is perfect for letting them simulate an inexpert blowjob in the privacy of their bedrooms. Simply pop into the microwave for 15 seconds to heat, then lie back and enjoy.

Furry handcuffs

Everyone’s got a rusty old padlock they’re not using. Combine that with cable-ties covered in Sellotape rolled around on the carpet to collect lint and dog hair and you’ve got the perfect intimate gift for lovemaking with your partner on Christmas night.

Budget pleasure-wand

A few buzzing Hexbugs in a tube – they’re last year’s toy, the kids will never notice – decorated with a festive motif make a wonderful wand of joy for sisters or sisters-in-law alike. Add a sprig of holly at the far end for a thrilling touch of danger.

Blow-up f**kable Santa

Easily foraged from other people’s lawns, simply paint on lipstick and eyeshadow and delight dad with a wanton North Pole hooker to take to bed and give it to good and hard. It might end up being more popular than you!

A transcript of the Queen’s speech

Every red-blooded Englishman is standing at attention when Her Majesty gets going, with the cut-glass tones of a dominatrix in a position of unassailable authority. Take it one step further by dressing as Her Royal Highness and adopting her sneer of cold contempt.

A cheese grater with snow spray on top

For those who enjoy an element of danger. Use with caution.