Five ways you're becoming your parents

DELUDED yourself that you’re a unique individual nothing like the people who created and raised you? Guess again. This is how you’re slowly turning into them: 

Youth culture baffles you

The music is horrific, the slang is indecipherable, and everything is way too sexual. It’s always been this way, only now you’re in the part of the cycle where everyone who’s enjoying it is twenty years younger than you and they think you spent your youth chasing a hoop with a stick.

Everything’s too expensive

Whether it’s the price of heating or the cost of food, everything’s so off-the-rails expensive you can’t enjoy it even if you can afford it. When young people can’t afford houses, you mutter ‘Well perhaps if you didn’t waste all your money on 5G data’, just like your dad used to about long-distance calls.

You’ve got at least one dodgy opinion

You might not actually voice it, but it’s there in your head. Perhaps you picked it up by glancing at the cover of the Mail or accidentally watching Good Morning Britain. Either way the only people you can talk to about it without getting cancelled are your parents who agree far too enthusiastically.

Physical transformations

Kind of hard to avoid this one seeing as you’re made of their genetic material. No matter how often you exercise or how healthy you eat you’re going to end up with dad’s paunch or mum’s cellulite or most likely both.

Your fashion sense is dead

If it ever existed to begin with. Lately you’ve been rocking these tan slacks with an elasticated waistline that you saw advertised in the back of a newspaper next to an offer on reading lamps. And you honestly think they’re the most comfortable clothes you’ve ever f**king worn.

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Dog sinking its teeth into your ankle 'just playing', owner reassures

THE owner of the dog that is currently biting your ankle quite hard has clarified that her pet is, in fact, ‘really friendly’.

Owner Helen Archer describes her dachshund Tallulah as bouncy, bubbly, and a real sweetheart, overlooking that she has currently locked her jaws into a stranger’s tender flesh.

Archer continued: “Having Tallulah really helps my anxiety. She’s a soothing presence. I used to get so stressed out by crowds, but when she’s with me it feels like they just melt away.

“She’s great with kids too. It’s just that when she jumps up at them and snarls at them they scream and panic, which is the wrong reaction and makes her aggressive. It’s not her fault.

“When you’re frantically shaking your leg like that to try and get her off, begging ‘Please God let go,’ she thinks it’s a little game. If you’d just remain perfectly still and stop sobbing she’d let go in no time.

“No, she’s still hanging on. She doesn’t want to say goodbye. She must really like you!”