Friday, 22nd January 2021

Five ways you're becoming your parents

DELUDED yourself that you’re a unique individual nothing like the people who created and raised you? Guess again. This is how you’re slowly turning into them: 

Youth culture baffles you

The music is horrific, the slang is indecipherable, and everything is way too sexual. It’s always been this way, only now you’re in the part of the cycle where everyone who’s enjoying it is twenty years younger than you and they think you spent your youth chasing a hoop with a stick.

Everything’s too expensive

Whether it’s the price of heating or the cost of food, everything’s so off-the-rails expensive you can’t enjoy it even if you can afford it. When young people can’t afford houses, you mutter ‘Well perhaps if you didn’t waste all your money on 5G data’, just like your dad used to about long-distance calls.

You’ve got at least one dodgy opinion

You might not actually voice it, but it’s there in your head. Perhaps you picked it up by glancing at the cover of the Mail or accidentally watching Good Morning Britain. Either way the only people you can talk to about it without getting cancelled are your parents who agree far too enthusiastically.

Physical transformations

Kind of hard to avoid this one seeing as you’re made of their genetic material. No matter how often you exercise or how healthy you eat you’re going to end up with dad’s paunch or mum’s cellulite or most likely both.

Your fashion sense is dead

If it ever existed to begin with. Lately you’ve been rocking these tan slacks with an elasticated waistline that you saw advertised in the back of a newspaper next to an offer on reading lamps. And you honestly think they’re the most comfortable clothes you’ve ever f**king worn.