Man eats six-pack of substantial meals for lunch

A MAN has bought a six-pack of substantial meals to enjoy during his 40-minute lunch break. 

The substantial meals, each of which comprises a boiled egg encased in breadcrumbs and sausage meat suitable for accompanying a pint in a tier 2 pub, will be consumed by Nathan Muir over the course of a single mealtime.

Seemingly oblivious to the fact that he planned to eat two days’ worth of food in less than an hour, Muir said: “Well it’s all they had in the garage. And let me tell you after a morning of plastering they’re barely touching the sides.

“Perhaps six is too many. Normally I’d have four and a grab bag of Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch, but I’ve got heartburn.

“With a beer? Yeah, they’re nice to wash down with a beer. Six beers? Steady on mate. I’m only halfway through my shift. And you don’t want to be on the eggs during a session. The flatulence would be apocalyptic.

“Substantial? So what’s a Ginsters Scotch Egg Bar? Enough to feed a family of four?”

While driving home later today Muir will consume a further two substantial meals at the wheel of his van.

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Remember late-night soft porn on Channel 5? A guide to 00s nostalgia

IN A new decade worse than any of its predecessors, we’ll inevitably soon be rosy-eyed for 9/11 and Las Ketchup. Get ready to genuinely miss these: 

Late-night soft porn on Channel 5

Hard to believe, but there was a time before hardcore pornography was freely available to everyone all the time. Back then, dads and sons alike would stay up past midnight to catch a glimpse of Rochelle Swanson’s side boob in Secret Games 3 and society was better for it.

Nobody had smartphones

iPhones only appeared towards the end of the decade, and were largely used by dicks. Instead salt-of-the-earth Noughties kids enjoyed wholesome activities like happy slapping an innocent bystander and filming it on a WAP-enabled Motorola Razr V3 they’d stolen.

The Star Wars films were slightly less shit

Attack of the Clones was total bollocks but Natalie Portman wore revealing clothes for the dads. And Hayden Christensen whinging about sand getting everywhere at least challenged the audience, unlike The Rise of Skywalker. Rey Skywalker? Piss off.

Stealing music felt so great

After decades of buying albums for the one good track and making compilations on cassette that got eaten by your mate’s sister’s car, suddenly you could steal whatever music you wanted. What a buzz to find out Bloc Party were shit without it costing you £9.99.

YouTube normalised geeky weirdos

As charlieissocoollike proved, even gawky teens playing ukulele songs about Doctor Who could find an audience thanks to the fledgling video website. Nowadays it makes you sit through two pre-roll ads to a song you own but can’t be bothered to find on Spotify.

Anything looks good compared to the 2010s

In reality, the Noughties were just as crap as any other decade. But even boot-cut jeans and Daniel Powter’s Bad Day age well after a decade of austerity, Brexit and Donald Trump. Remember protesting against the Iraq war? We were so naive and hopeful.