Sunday, 18th April 2021

All-night Christmas parties to be held in M&S bakery aisle

BRITONS are planning to make the most of 24-hour shop openings by holding debauched parties in the baked goods aisle of Marks & Spencer. 

The raves, which will be fully supplied with soundsystems, DJs and MDMA dealers, are expected to attract thousands of people a night absolutely losing their minds next to the sourdough.

Sophie Rodriguez said: “It’s too cold outside. We can’t go in pubs. Nobody’s allowed in anyone’s home. But M&S is open all motherf**king night, baby.

“The party comes ready-catered, so you’ll never go hungry for nibbles, and there’s an extensive bar of pre-mixed cocktails way cheaper than any nightclub. Though still quite expensive obviously.

“It’ll be classic dance anthems in the bakery aisle, menswear will have more of a sophisticated gentlemen’s club vibe, lingerie is obviously the strip club and the Bureau de Change will be full of monged-out people on ketamine.

“It’s completely legal because we’re all ‘doing our Christmas shopping’. Who’s up for shots?”

72-year-old Margaret Gerving said: “A young man gave me a Percy Pig and I think they must have changed the recipe, because I’m off my tits.”