Falling over 'nothing to be ashamed of'

PEOPLE who fall over often feel a deep sense of humiliation, it has been claimed.

As ice envelopes the UK there has been a 92% increase in people falling flat on their arses, with many being either deliberately ignored by onlookers or openly mocked.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Falling over can be physically painful, but it’s your pride that really takes a beating.

“You can try to laugh it off but that always looks a bit forced. Behind the smile there is despair.”

Professor Brubaker fell over in 2011 at a conference centre, bruising his arm.

“It had a polished floor, there were no grips on my shoes and I went down like a sack of shit.

“Everyone laughed, in fact someone actually said, ‘Have a nice trip mate.’

“All I wanted was a helping hand,  a few kind words and perhaps a boiled sweet. Instead I was made to feel like a pariah dog.”

Falling-over charity Falling Up is working to increase empathy towards people who lose their footing.

A spokesperson for the charity: “We’ve made a short film of celebrities falling over, you see George Clooney slip on a discarded burger box. He drops like a shot buffalo, smashing his chin on the edge of a bin.

“The message is the falling over can affect any of us, at any time, and it doesn’t mean you’re a dick.”


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'Spiritual' people to celebrate Christmas in unique and annoying ways

PEOPLE who see themselves as ‘spiritual’ are to planning mark Christmas in a non-relgious but still irritating fashion.

Francesca Johnson, 28, likes incense and believes in crystal magic instead of Jesus magic.

She said: “I embrace some aspects of organised religion, particularly the bits about living forever in a patchouli fairyland in the sky.

“My family and I will dedicate Christmas to quiet contemplation of how amazing we are.

“Instead of watching the Queen’s Speech, we will spend Christmas believing Prince Charles knows what he’s talking about.

“And a roast turkey looks too much like the patriarchal fantasy of a naked woman with her legs splayed. So we’ll be having a nut roast, which has no discernible gender.”

Dreadlocked pharmaceutical company heir Wayne Hayes, who believes in ‘a force’, said:  “When you’re as wealthy I am you realise that money means very little.

“There’s something very selfish about gifts. So I’ll be spending Christmas on a beach in Goa, being handed drinks by small boys.”