Families taking term-time holidays face not being able to show off about it

FAMILIES who take term-time holidays risk a fine if they show off about it, it has been confirmed.

Following a high court judgement effectively banning term-time holidays, parents will now only be able to do it if they pretend their kids are ill rather that bunging up shitloads of beach photos on Facebook.

Mother-of-two Mary Fisher said: “Don’t they realise there’s no point taking the kids to Bali or Vegas during the school term if you can’t broadcast the fact across social media.

“And how else are our kids supposed to learn that modern life is all about showing off and pretending to be rich?

“If I have to pretend they have mumps just to take them on holiday, then not tell anyone except close friends and family, we might as well just go to Bognor – and not even in an ironic way.”

She added: “Schools don’t appreciate the cultural value of holidays. Going on a rollercoaster called the Megaloop 9000 then eating an ice cream bigger than your head is just as important as learning to read.”

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This is the only real home I've ever known, tearful Farage tells EU parliament

A SOBBING Nigel Farage has told his fellow MEPs that they are his truest friends and leaving them will be the greatest sorrow of his life. 

The former UKIP leader admitted that he had come to Strasbourg with hate in his heart, but the warm embrace of his transcontinental colleagues had changed him forever.

He said: “18 years ago I strutted in here, determined to tear the whole edifice down from the inside while collecting a healthy salary.

“But the unconditional love and support I’ve received from so many of you over the years has made this parliament into a family.

“I only stayed in UKIP because I couldn’t bear to leave. The only time I ever spoke my ‘native language’ was back there, where I became a ridiculous caricature of an Englishman who was everything I despised.

“Tragically, I was the architect of my own demise. But my heart will always be blue with a ring of yellow stars.”

Farage added: “Oh, the Italian fascists. I’ll miss you most of all.”