Feeding ducks bread, and other nice things which turned out to be unspeakable animal cruelty

YOU and your grandmother headed down to the park, hand-in-hand, to murder countless waterfowl. Add it to the list of your crimes: 

Keeping a hamster as a classroom pet

You are imprisoned by the cruellest captors imaginable – bored eight-year-olds. When not waking you from your day’s rest by poking unwashed fingers through your bars, they blind you with camera flashes. You spend all day running on your wheel, dreaming of freedom.

Leaving out a saucer of milk for a hedgehog

Come on kids! Gather at the kitchen window, just as the sun is setting, and look out into the garden. If you stay very still and keep very quiet, you might just see spiny Mrs Tiggy-Winkle contracting lethal, lactose-induced diarrhoea. There! Isn’t nature marvellous?

Feeding the ducks

Throwing stale bread for the ducks, giggling in happiness, shouting the word ‘duck!’ which was one of the first in your vocabulary. Bread of so negligible nutrional value it kills them with malnutrition while filling their lake with algae and attracting killer rats. To the ducks you were the great destroyer, harbinger of death.

Donkey rides

50p for a ride on the donkey? The donkey that, you fondly imagined, was treated well for the service it provided? Until you were old enough to do the basic maths and observe the seaside economy and realised what a life of misery you’d contributed to?

Going to the zoo

‘No! Zoos are ethical now! They do a lot of conservation work!’ Oh please. Zoos are prisons where every convict is innocent. The lions are bored and depressed. The meerkats have to listen to Compare the Meerkat accents all day. The gorillas dream of breaking through the glass and tearing you limb from limb. The pandas are too sad to shag.

Dressing your dog in a Halloween costume

The one benefit of being a dog is not having to wear clothes. Don’t take that away from them.

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Man encouraging friend to dump her boyfriend definitely has no hidden agenda

A MAN encouraging his attractive female friend to find the confidence to leave her errant boyfriend has stressed that he has nothing to gain from this. 

Ryan Whittaker is urging Sophie Rodriguez to end her relationship purely as her platonic friend, but has told her he is ready to fill any gap it leaves with his rock-solid companionship.

He continued: “You’ve always been too good for him. And too beautiful.

“As a friend, I’ve always encouraged you to confide the ups and downs of your relationship in me, so I can point out his flaws and failings and possible signs he’s cheating.

“And I just don’t think he’s into you enough. He doesn’t hang on your every word or think about you all the time or spend evenings flicking through treasured photos of you he’s saved from your Instagram. He doesn’t even know how many days it is until your birthday.

“You deserve a man who’s unafraid to commit. A man who has your whole wedding planned out in his head. June, in a rain-drenched meadow with a crown of flowers in your hair.”

He added: “After that, maybe take some time off dating. To find out what you really want and deserve from a partner. I can help.”