DO you think every situation will result in you getting laid? You may be watching too much porn. Here are five harmless real world scenarios forever tainted by it.
Meeting your boss
Getting called over to your boss’s desk now conjures visions of one of you being bent over it and given a good seeing-to. Sadly it’s more likely to be a request to empty the paper recycling bin by the photocopiers. And the only oral you’ll receive is a warning for stealing biros.
Going for a hike
Porn treats any walk in the great outdoors as an excuse for al fresco sex. So when your partner suggests a ramble you assume you’ll soon be at it doggystyle in a clearing, with a group of buff and large-breasted hikers joining in. Actually the most excitement will be a pub lunch, and the naughtiest thing you’ll do is not closing a gate properly. Phwoar!
Viewing a house
Porn is very clear that all estate agents are raving sex addicts. Unfortunately if you’re expecting anyone to jump your bones in a crap-but-overpriced terraced house in Bolton you’ve got another think coming. The only semi you’re getting might be a semi-detached. If you can afford the deposit. Which you can’t. In fact, only thing thats getting damp today is every room in the house. Because it really is very poorly ventilated.
Being in a stepfamily
If porn is to believed, 90 per cent of step relations are shagging. Stepmums knocking off stepsons. Stepsons walking in on stepsisters in the shower. In reality stepfamilies are more about awkward gatherings and simmering resentment over divorces. You get a few more birthday presents but you won’t be doing your stepmum. To which many stepsons will be saying ‘Thank f**k’.
Getting a massage
Humiliatingly, it’s a sports massage you booked after pulling a muscle while emptying the cat litter. And that’ll be the only muscle being pulled. Still, hundreds of hours of pornography have tricked you into hoping things might get a bit saucy. You’ll still half expect a ‘happy ending’, which would be horrible when you’re paying a bloke with calloused hands to awkwardly rub you in a room above a high street bookie’s.
