Six relationships that make you wonder what the f**k you saw in them

SOMETIMES you’re genuinely puzzled as to what you saw in an ex-partner. Here are some that will forever remain a mystery, like the Mary Celeste but less interesting.

Slow on the uptake man or woman

You shouldn’t mock the afflicted, especially if you were shagging them, but this ex was unbelievably dense. Conversations could easily include ‘Is Jeremy Corbyn Conservative or Labour?’ or, upon seeing a small dog, ‘That’s a small dog.’ Relationships can survive infidelity and even prison, but they won’t survive endless queries like ‘Is John Lennon dead?’

The outdoors fanatic

This svelte partner will get you doing healthy things and enjoying nature. Sounds good, right? Until you get to country walks more knackering than a yomp across the Falklands, climbing a hill that looks suspiciously like a mountain, and terrifyingly fast bike rides. Outdoorsiness is so traumatic people should tell you before entering into a relationship, like with herpes.

Hot with off-putting traits

The appeal here is self-explanatory and the traits could be all sorts of things: that f**king annoying laugh, being a tightwad, the Mariah Carey CDs on repeat, the age gap, watching porn in front of you, blatantly inspecting fresh bogies. The puzzle is how you ever thought this was going to work out. 

The well-hidden bigot

This ex appears normal until they they come out with something jaw-dropping, eg. ‘White people are an endangered species’ or ‘Of course he’s rich – he’s a Jew’. There’s much to take issue with here, but feeling you should say ‘Sorry, I apologise for my Nazi girlfriend’ was a clue that this relationship wouldn’t work out.

Selfish bastard/bitch 

Could be a woman who drags you to ALL her mates’ social events where old chums totally ignore you, could be a guy who drones on endlessly about getting a quad bike or makes you religiously watch his rugby team. Years later you’d like to think they’ve paid for their selfishness with singledom, but they’ll have found a needy doormat who puts up with them choosing what to watch every night.

Humourless bastard

Dating someone who appears to have had their sense of humour surgically removed is incredibly hard work. They won’t like jokes and they’re definitely not going to get the rich comedy of everyday life, like a squirrel falling off a garage roof. You’ll have to laboriously explain comedy shows, especially anything slightly surreal, and still be met with balls-aching comments like: ‘I don’t think it’s realistic that they’d let Father Dougal become a priest.’

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Nadine Dorries' guide to getting ahead with insane, sycophantic arse-licking

HI, I’m Nadine Dorries and I stuck my head so far up my boss’s arse that he gave me an important job I’m terrible at. Here’s how you can do the same.

Start with some fairly normal sucking up

If you’re as talentless as me, there are limited routes to the top. Lay the groundwork for future promotion with a bit of general sucking-up: tell your boss how wonderful he is, even if he’s disorganised, bad at communicating or has just made millions of people hate his guts by having parties during a national health emergency.

Don’t stop at loyalty, go for fanaticism

Being dedicated is fine but loads of crawlers are dedicated, especially in the Conservative party, so you have to go a step further to stand out. Sound like a fanatic and talk about your ‘undying loyalty’. It’s a weird thing to say about your boss if he’s not Stalin, but now I’m personally in charge of crushing the Marxists at Channel 4, so a total lack of self-respect has really paid off.

Gaze at your superior with frightening adoration

Practise by watching David Koresh’s home movies. Then make sure the whole world can see how much you worship your boss. Luckily I can do this on telly at PMQs but you can do something similar in the staff canteen.

Attack colleagues who step out of line

Make yourself look even more slavishly dedicated to your boss by viciously attacking colleagues who dare to go against him. However, you can go too far, as I did when I described Jeremy Hunt’s Covid preparations as ‘wanting and inadequate’. Sometimes I’m humping Boris’s leg so hard I forget we’re all meant to be on the same side.

Enjoy it while it lasts

Sycophants are out on their arse when the boss goes, so enjoy your elevated position while it lasts. I’m hoping to make my mark by shafting public service broadcasting, and why not? But I’ve wisely got a back-up plan. When Boris gets kicked out, and the novelty of his teenybopper wife has worn off, we can live in a lovely little cottage together. He can write his Telegraph columns and I’ll gaze at him adoringly all day. I’m sure he’ll be up for that.