SOMETIMES you’re genuinely puzzled as to what you saw in an ex-partner. Here are some that will forever remain a mystery, like the Mary Celeste but less interesting.
Slow on the uptake man or woman
You shouldn’t mock the afflicted, especially if you were shagging them, but this ex was unbelievably dense. Conversations could easily include ‘Is Jeremy Corbyn Conservative or Labour?’ or, upon seeing a small dog, ‘That’s a small dog.’ Relationships can survive infidelity and even prison, but they won’t survive endless queries like ‘Is John Lennon dead?’
The outdoors fanatic
This svelte partner will get you doing healthy things and enjoying nature. Sounds good, right? Until you get to country walks more knackering than a yomp across the Falklands, climbing a hill that looks suspiciously like a mountain, and terrifyingly fast bike rides. Outdoorsiness is so traumatic people should tell you before entering into a relationship, like with herpes.
Hot with off-putting traits
The appeal here is self-explanatory and the traits could be all sorts of things: that f**king annoying laugh, being a tightwad, the Mariah Carey CDs on repeat, the age gap, watching porn in front of you, blatantly inspecting fresh bogies. The puzzle is how you ever thought this was going to work out.
The well-hidden bigot
This ex appears normal until they they come out with something jaw-dropping, eg. ‘White people are an endangered species’ or ‘Of course he’s rich – he’s a Jew’. There’s much to take issue with here, but feeling you should say ‘Sorry, I apologise for my Nazi girlfriend’ was a clue that this relationship wouldn’t work out.
Could be a woman who drags you to ALL her mates’ social events where old chums totally ignore you, could be a guy who drones on endlessly about getting a quad bike or makes you religiously watch his rugby team. Years later you’d like to think they’ve paid for their selfishness with singledom, but they’ll have found a needy doormat who puts up with them choosing what to watch every night.
Dating someone who appears to have had their sense of humour surgically removed is incredibly hard work. They won’t like jokes and they’re definitely not going to get the rich comedy of everyday life, like a squirrel falling off a garage roof. You’ll have to laboriously explain comedy shows, especially anything slightly surreal, and still be met with balls-aching comments like: ‘I don’t think it’s realistic that they’d let Father Dougal become a priest.’