Five things today's kids would be horrified about from the 1980s

THE past is a different country, especially the 1980s. Here are some of the horrors of the decade today’s youngsters have mercifully avoided. 

A constant fear of being murdered by the Russians

No 1980s childhood was complete without a slight fear of nuclear war. How likely this was is unclear, but with a diet of When the Wind Blows, Threads and ‘99 Red Balloons’, it’s amazing that any child was able to go to sleep at night until Perestroika.

Cars were crap

If your mewling spawn complain about long car journeys, explain that they’re at least not stuck on the sticky vinyl seat of a Mini with a car radio that keeps detuning from Dave Lee Travis into static as their only entertainment. Better still, give them a clip round the lughole in proper 80s fashion. 

Non-stop bigotry

Where d’you start, really? Skinheads abounded, and not the nice ones who were into ska. National Front graffiti was pretty popular, along with bullying Asian kids. For a bit of light relief all male children called each other ‘benders’ all the time. Not the most enlightened time. 

Go and do whatever the f**k you like, kids

Today’s parents like to know where their kids are or be sure they can call on their mobile, and rightly so. Back in the 80s you just tended to wander off and do strange things: fancy exploring a rubbish dump full of broken glass? Why not? Want to see I Spit on Your Grave on VHS at Pete’s house while his parents are out? That won’t do you lasting psychological harm.

Rock-hard PE teachers

Mr Griffiths was a boxing champion in the army, and thus did not care if you were about to pass out from dehydration on a cross-country run or had just smashed your face open on a goalpost. His idea of motivating children was to angrily call them ‘poofs’ or ‘nancy boys’.

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Six things that drive you up the f**king wall about Question Time these days

THE BBC’s flagship political panel show was once a civilised platform on which heavyweight politicians could debate. This is what it’s like now:

The weekly lumps of gammon

They sit there on Zoom all red-faced and furious. The fact that Brexit has happened hasn’t reduced their anger and sense of victimhood at the truly dominant forces in the UK: left-wing comedians, university lecturers, and the metropolitan elite who want to keep our jam jars golliwog-free.

Fiona Bruce’s shit presenting

For example: ‘I’m sorry, I’m going to have to interrupt you there, a government minister wants to gas on unchallenged for five minutes…’ Or as soon as anyone makes an interesting point: ‘We’re going to have to leave it there, thank you.’

The idiot celebrity guest

To boost ratings, witless celebrities are invited on. Their research consists of asking their driver en route to the studio what’s been happening in the world lately. They then come up with moronic homespun ‘wisdom’ like: ‘If the government spends too much money, we’ll run out. That’s just common sense.’

The evasive Tory minister

It’s been drummed into them via media training that you evade any question that suggests you’ve f**ked up when you clearly have. But whereas past politicians did this with oily cunning, this latest crop of over-promoted, vacuous muttonheads do so with the finesse of a plank of wood.

The incoherent moron

Suddenly having a boom mic shoved in your face and a camera pointed at you would make most people panic. But approximately 50 per cent of the audience have genuinely unfathomable questions no one could answer, eg. ‘I went to the shops in Leicester so what’s all this inflation about?’

The suspicious far-right plant

The woman who, despite the supposed difficulty of bagging a place in the QT audience, appears every other week to rant on fanatically about immigrants coming here to tear down our statues and cancel Laurence Fox.