Five things you'll take on holiday but never f**king use

HOLIDAYS are tedious exercises in over-preparation that cost you a fortune. Here are five items you pack every year and never f**king touch.

A book 

Thanks to all the travel time and inevitable hanging around in airports, you’re bound to make progress on that book which has been gathering dust on your bedside table, right? Incorrect. It will stay firmly wedged at the bottom of your suitcase and take up valuable space for duty-free booze. Bin it now.

Travel insurance

A ball-ache of an expense but a worthwhile one, or so you say to yourself before every holiday as you reluctantly piss away another couple of tenners. You never need it though because you spend the entirety of your vacation sitting by the hotel swimming pool and wishing you were at home watching TV. Live a little by neglecting to buy it next time.

An extra 30 pairs of pants

You’re only going away for a long weekend, so five pairs of pants will easily keep you covered. What if you get the shits on the flight though? And what if half a dozen pairs mysteriously vanish? These must be the scenarios that run through your head while packing because you’ve got enough underwear to last a month. And they’re all moth-eaten.

Basic foreign phrases

Having idly flicked through a phrase book while on the toilet, you’re equipped with a rudimentary number of foreign phrases that make a toddler seems eloquent by comparison. Rather than doing the polite thing by trying to use them in conversation though, you’ll mumble, stutter, then just speak English slowly and loudly. It’s what everyone expects.

The ability to relax

Every holiday you’ll think this will finally be put into use, and every holiday you’re proven wrong. If you’re not getting stressed out about getting to the airport on time, you’ll be worried that you’re not making the most of your precious time off. You’d have a more relaxing time just staying at work and doing a really half-arsed job.

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Five reasons your friend is giving her stupid twat boyfriend a second chance

IS your friend getting back with her awful boyfriend who’s an absolute tosser? Probably. Here are five dubious reasons why she isn’t just dumping him.

He bought her flowers

Nothing says sorry like a bouquet of roses, or something much cheaper from the BP garage. Alternatively he got her a basil plant for £1.50 from Sainsbury’s, but according to her it’s ‘a real turning point for him’ and ‘a sign that he’s ready to commit’.

He wrote her a poem

It doesn’t rhyme, it isn’t very long and, frankly, it doesn’t make sense, but it’s got your friend weak at the knees. It’s written on a random scrap of paper, but he quickly drew a little bunny rabbit and a heart on it, so he’s really gone the extra mile.

He says he’s going to change

How he’s going to reinvent his personality from ‘lifelong twat’ to ‘not a twat’ within a fortnight isn’t clear, but your lovely friend is convinced. Has he booked in for some intensive counselling to reassess his priorities in life? Of course not.

He’s taking her out for dinner

A good man knows how to treat a lady, and that’s with a meal out at his favourite burger restaurant. Has he said he’s going to pay for it? No. Is he mainly thinking about a big juicy burger followed by a shag? Yes. Oh and she’s vegetarian, but it’s the thought that counts.

She doesn’t want to reinstall dating apps

When it comes down to it, your friend is aware that it’s better the wanker you know. And he’s also sulkily met her parents, so twat boyfriend wins out simply by being less hassle than finding someone who doesn’t get her a Jason Statham DVD for her birthday.