Five ways the first day back at school was always a total doss

A NEW school year has begun, but it will be weeks before anyone learns anything because the first day in the classroom does not count. This is why: 

Teachers are still hungover

You can’t drink on a school night, but teachers have just had 42 consecutive non-school nights watching prestige TV, investigating alternative careers and swilling vodka. They should have dried out over the weekend but the prospect of returning to the classroom killed that. Lessons of actual substance will resume in October.

There’s nothing in the lesson plan

Exams are months away, so teachers are easing everyone in with very simple lessons where nothing happens. Young, idealistic teachers will outline everything their eager pupils will learn over the next year, only five per cent of which will happen. Jaded veterans will stick a video on then pop out for a fag.

Nobody can concentrate

Getting through a morning in an office job after a fortnight off is a struggle to comprehend the person who could endure this. Imagine being a child and doing the same after six weeks off. That’s why kids spend a day learning their new teacher’s name and reading their lesson timetable. Anything more complicated would fry their minds.

Activities are easy

Games where people get to know each other are rarely fun and contain no educational content. Teachers know this, kids know this, they each know they know. But it’s go along with the pretence or do some actual work, so hey, let’s throw that ball and talk about hobbies!

It’s still sunny

Summer is on the way out, but there’s enough sunlight streaming in to provide a distraction. Kids and teachers alike will tail off to stare out and mourn the wasted potential of a day like this, even though if they were off they’d have the curtains closed and be on PlayStation. By the time the school day finishes it will be pissing down.

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How to become prime minister when nobody wants you to be, by Liz Truss

WANT to be prime minister? But MPs don’t rate you, party members would rather have Boris, and the electorate despise you? Don’t let that stand in your way. 

In less than three hours, I will become prime minister of Britain even though the only person who really wants that is myself. Here’s how I did it:

Wait your turn

It might have seemed like I was foreign secretary, or minister for women, or any number of other jobs up to and including member for south-west Norfolk all these years, but I wasn’t. Actually I was doing nothing but waiting for everyone more popular and talented than me to disappear. It was a long wait but it’s worked.

Have no convictions

I was raised a left-winger, but they’re not getting near power. I was a Remainer until the tide turned. Strongly-held beliefs do nothing but get in the way of ambition. The true success believes in nothing but herself and whatever is popular at any given moment.

Be less worse

You don’t have to be better than your opponent. That would require developing positive qualities. Instead, simply be the least worst option in any given situation, for example by not having stabbed the Blessed Boris in the back. You’ll soon find yourself winning by default.

Dismiss the haters

Anyone criticising you must be a bad person, or why would they be so hurtful? Nothing less than unwavering backing of your every move should be accepted. My husband was fully behind my affair with Mark Field, until I broke it off and he wasn’t. Every woman should have someone like him.

Be an empty vessel

What could possibly go wrong with being all things to all people? Of agreeing with every word Telegraph columnists or the ERG say? Or promising low taxes and massive government spending? Opposing people stops them liking you. Why do it?

Ignore reality

Anyone who tries to get you to face reality is trying to impose limits. They’re trying to hold back your aspirations and crush your dreams. If I faced reality, there’s no way I’d ever have become prime minister. Instead I ignored it completely and here I am. Britain can learn from me.