A NEW school year has begun, but it will be weeks before anyone learns anything because the first day in the classroom does not count. This is why:
Teachers are still hungover
You can’t drink on a school night, but teachers have just had 42 consecutive non-school nights watching prestige TV, investigating alternative careers and swilling vodka. They should have dried out over the weekend but the prospect of returning to the classroom killed that. Lessons of actual substance will resume in October.
There’s nothing in the lesson plan
Exams are months away, so teachers are easing everyone in with very simple lessons where nothing happens. Young, idealistic teachers will outline everything their eager pupils will learn over the next year, only five per cent of which will happen. Jaded veterans will stick a video on then pop out for a fag.
Nobody can concentrate
Getting through a morning in an office job after a fortnight off is a struggle to comprehend the person who could endure this. Imagine being a child and doing the same after six weeks off. That’s why kids spend a day learning their new teacher’s name and reading their lesson timetable. Anything more complicated would fry their minds.
Activities are easy
Games where people get to know each other are rarely fun and contain no educational content. Teachers know this, kids know this, they each know they know. But it’s go along with the pretence or do some actual work, so hey, let’s throw that ball and talk about hobbies!
It’s still sunny
Summer is on the way out, but there’s enough sunlight streaming in to provide a distraction. Kids and teachers alike will tail off to stare out and mourn the wasted potential of a day like this, even though if they were off they’d have the curtains closed and be on PlayStation. By the time the school day finishes it will be pissing down.