Hetty Hoover, your mate's boyfriend, Nadine Dorries: weird crushes of 2022

AS autumn arrives, the time has come to reflect on the bizarre crushes you’ve allowed yourself a wank to during this turbulent year: 

Hetty Hoover

Perhaps it was just a passing fancy, but something about a sucking machine with a face on sparked passion inside you. Her big, doe eyes peering from the cupboard, her provocatively long nozzle, you couldn’t help feeling a frisson.

Your mate’s boyfriend

You’re not normally attracted to nerds who play Dungeons and Dragons, but your hands touched over the Doritos bowl at the party and you haven’t stopped thinking about him since. Would he really be so grateful he’d do anything?

Nadine Dorries

It was just one mad fevered thought over one of the hottest nights of the year, but you still see flashes of her platinum hair in your daydreams. And the way she loyally defends Boris, despite everything? You could use a partner like that.

The Shard

It’s so tall. You couldn’t help but be awestruck when you exited London Bridge station and were presented with it shining in the sunlight that chilly February day. Will you ever be invited inside? You blush to even consider the possibility.

Jill Scott 

The moment she said ‘f**k off, you f**king prick’ to that German player your heart became a puddle. She may have retired from the England team but she’s still the central midfielder of your heart.

Nick Clegg

Back in the UK after a spell in Silicon Valley and your Cleggmania from 2010 has come roaring back like it was never away. If you ran into him in an M&S Food Hall you’d drop your avocados, he’d help you pick them up, you’d shag in the inclusive changing rooms.

The Platinum Jubilee June bank holiday

You’re no Royalist, but this cheeky little bonus to the weekend really got you hot about hereditary heads of state. You’ve found yourself flipping back the calendar just to gawk at how gorgeous it was. A fleeting summer romance that will never return.

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The Boris Johnson Years: how much can you bear to remember?