subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man on bad date can't believe he went to zero effort for this

A MAN enduring a bad date is annoyed because he put zero effort into preparing himself for it.

Unlike his date, who specially purchased a nice dress and waxed hair from her legs and armpits, Ryan Whittaker did not shower or change out of his work clothes and is angrily wondering why he bothered.

He said: “The conversation isn’t going anywhere, we haven’t got anything in common and I’m not physically attracted to her. Good thing I didn’t go to the trouble of brushing my teeth or clipping my talon-like toenails in case it went well.

“Within five minutes I was wishing I’d made even less effort by standing her up. I could be brainlessly scrolling through Twitter while sitting on the toilet right now rather than listening to her single-handedly carry the evening.

“I’m going to make a clearly bullshit excuse then simply walk away. That should give her the impression I’m not interested in a second date, or indeed this first one.”

Date Nikki Hollis said: “I love a man who’s confident and aloof like Ryan. He’s so much hotter than all those losers who try to impress me with witty anecdotes and basic hygiene standards.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Baileys, and other dangerously pleasant drinks

MOST alcoholic drinks are an acquired taste, because they are vile. These are so delicious you will have no idea you’re pissed until it’s too late: 

Tequila

Most neat spirits have the decency to taste atrocious, thereby saving you from drinking enough of them to get shitfaced. Not tequila. It tastes so sweet and fruity you’ll be unable to resist going back for another sip, even though your tongue will have lost the ability to taste after the second shot. Don’t worry, it’ll work. You won’t remember the third shot.

Baileys

In need of alcoholic comfort, you decide to treat yourself to an ambrosial glass of Baileys. What could go wrong? One bottle, 3,000 calories of creamy liqueur later, and you’ll feel like an over-stuffed profiterole that’s about to explode. Odd they never include this common side-effect in the adverts.

Margarita

Having ‘one cocktail’ is physically impossible if you’re drinking margaritas. They come in monolithic pitchers that contain a dozen servings each, and everyone at the table has their own. Start cancelling all the plans you’ve got lined up for tomorrow now. You’re going to be retching over porcelain for 48 hours.

White Russian

Russia has a lot to apologise for, but it should be especially ashamed of inflicting this worryingly delicious cocktail on humanity. Once you start drinking this chocolatey goodness you’re guaranteed to wake up next morning head-down in a bin with no memory of how you got there. But it tastes so nice though you can’t stay mad at it for long.

Hurricane

Remember how much you enjoyed Um Bongo as a kid? Hurricanes are the adult version of that. No, they aren’t promoted with a catchy animal-checklist song, but they will get you blind drunk. Both drinks contain a similar amount of fruit content: none.

Espresso Martini

Present themselves as being a classy, upmarket drink, but really they’re Jägerbombs for middle-class pricks. The coffee is so strong it smuggles  several shots of vodka into your body without your knowledge, although the massive caffeine hit means you’ll be awake through your 4am head-splitting hangover.

Next story ›