Have you passed too many life milestones to be Leonardo DiCaprio's next girlfriend?

HOLLYWOOD heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio is back on the market, but have you passed too many of life’s milestones to date him? 

Do you have a driver’s license?

A) Yes. Although I don’t like to look at it because my photo is from decades ago and it’s a taunting reminder of my faded youth.

B) Yes. I passed as soon as I was old enough to take the test so it’s in nearly mint condition.

Can you vote?

A) I’ve been voting for so long the novelty’s worn off. Years of hard-won experience have taught me that democracy is a sham and there’s little point participating.

B) Yes, I’ve voted in one election and it was so exciting. I’m grateful to all the female campaigners who fought for this right so very long ago.

Are you old enough to drink in the US?

A) F**k knows. Once you reach my age you forget about stuff like that because it’s long since stopped applying to you.

B) No, although I will be after my next birthday. I’m counting down the days and I cannot wait!

Have you been married?

A) Several times. My withered, crone-like hand has a massive dent in it where all the wedding rings were worn.

B) No, I’m saving myself until I’m in my mid-twenties. Then I’ll be old enough to make the right decision.

Do you have kids?

A) Yes, in fact my granddaughter is probably the right age to go out with 47-year-old actor Leonardo DiCaprio.

B) No, and I’m in no rush. I have ages to go until my biological clock puts pressure on me to reproduce.

Got your own house?

A) Yes and I recently made my last mortgage payment. This will set me up nicely for my imminent retirement.

B) No, and I can’t imagine ever buying one. Today’s housing market means it’s difficult for us nubile members of Gen Z to save a deposit.

Are you retired?

A) I will be soon and I cannot wait. A lifetime of work has taken its toll and I’m looking forward to a rest.

B) No, that’s ages away. I haven’t even started saving for a pension because retirement is too abstract a concept for me to comprehend.


Mostly As: You are far too old to be Leonardo DiCaprio’s next girlfriend. Even someone half your age would be considered ancient by his standards. Congratulations on living a long and eventful life, though.

Mostly Bs: You have barely experienced anything life has to offer, meaning you are qualified to be Leonardo DiCaprio’s next girlfriend. With any luck you’ll be able to tick off ‘being ditched by a serial cradle snatcher’ in a couple of years.

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Family enjoys last day out before apocalypse

A FAMILY has driven to the seaside for one final day out together before the upcoming apocalypse.

The Bookers decided that, as they will no longer be able to afford petrol, a car or time away from working six jobs by next summer, they might as well enjoy a day at the beach now.

Tom Booker said: “We shouldn’t be living this extravagantly, really. The money would have been better saved to pay an eighth of our February energy bill.

“But we thought, well, one last time, and drove to Llandudno where the streets aren’t yet filled with the homeless and the sea’s not completely filled with sewage. Currently.

“The kids threw a frisbee about then the wife and I had a pint in a lovely little pub. It’s a real shame they’re closing next month because their running costs have gone up 300 per cent.

“Then we had a wander on the Great Orme, where you can see the wild goats that will soon be hunted for meat, and fish-and-chips from a place that’s got no chance of surviving to spring, not with that electricity-guzzling fryer.

“Soon we’ll drive home to where we’ll all spend a freezing winter sewing sequins on dresses for 85p an hour because we’ve lost our jobs and the schools are shut down and the blackouts and rationing have started. Still, it was a nice day out.”