Six cost-of-living crisis chat-up lines

OUT on the pull, and keen to turn ten per cent inflation into sex? These tailored chat-up lines will wow the ladies:

‘Get six coats, you’ve pulled’

Accompanied by a winning smile and a book of raffle tickets, this gentleman’s offering you the chance to loot the cloakroom and take home enough coats to keep warm while working from home without the heating on. He really knows how to make a girl feel like a princess.

‘You’re going to have to move in with someone so it might as well be me’

Being single is no longer financially viable, and romance will surely blossom when you picture a future of shared bills, shared meals and two salaries to pay for rocketing rents. No woman can resist copping off to banish the spectre of incipient homelessness.

‘How do you like your eggs in the morning?’

Eggs! He has actual eggs! You’re getting a free, nutritious breakfast of the kind everyone could afford at the beginning of this year! Negotiate a couple of rashers of bacon, fried bread and a tin of beans and that’s more than you’d get from the food bank for a week.

‘I make love with the duvet on’

The prospect of slow, gentle lovemaking under a body-heat-conserving duvet, and the chance of a whole night’s sleep without waking up shivering, is enough to melt any girls’ heart. Even better if your paramour frequently breaks wind. Better than a fan heater.

‘Did it hurt when you got evicted?’

He can see past your charity-shop Primark clothes to the real you, the one who used to have her own flat and a job, not a shared room in a multiple-occupancy house and a zero-hours minimum wage position. When you huddle together for warmth in a freezing library, it’ll be with someone who believes in you.

‘Hey baby, I live with my parents’

Wait, so if he’s 40, that means his parents are honest-to-God boomers. They’ll have a house and a well-stocked larder and they’ll have the heating on. They probably even do his laundry and spring for the full 30-degree wash. This guy is a keeper.

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Mum wants to know if you're really wearing that

YOUR mum has asked if you think wearing that outfit in public is a good idea, indicating that she does not.

Having assessed your attire with a withering gaze, your mum would also like to know if you would consider changing into any of the ill-fitting, uncomfortable and ugly clothes she has purchased for you over the years.

She said: “I was only asking, there’s no need to get angry. I thought you would be grateful for unsolicited, passive-aggressive advice that undermines your life choices. Clearly not.

“There’s no harm in expressing yourself through fashion, but have you ever wondered if your wardrobe is the root cause of your barren love life and dim career prospects? It keeps me up with worry every night.

“Maybe you’re right and I should trust your judgement. After all, you’re in your mid-thirties and still living with your parents whereas all your friends have got married and had kids, so it’s clearly serving you well so far.”

After disapproving of the half-dozen alternatives you changed into, she added: “Maybe you were right the first time. Those other outfits look hideous on you.”