The Rings of Power: Six things to piss off fans by getting wrong

WATCHING Amazon’s Lord of the Rings spin-off with a fan? Have some fun annoying them by making these deliberate mistakes.

Ask which character is young Voldemort

The Rings of Power is set before the events of The Lord of the Rings, and follows a young Voldemort as he tries to construct an alethiometer that will destroy Middle-earth. Or at least that’s the situation as you pretend to understand it. But which character will become You-Know-Who? Pester your fan friend every two minutes with this important question.

Point out that everything is borrowed from Game of Thrones

You never really got into the Lord of the Rings franchise because it’s a derivative copy of George R. R. Martin’s epic fantasy novels. Tolkien lifted everything from dragons, dwarfs and gratuitous orgies from the Game of Thrones universe, and you haven’t got the energy to become invested in another series that will inevitably end terribly.

Use incorrect terminology

Is the lead character an elf, a halfling or a muggle? There are so many fictional universes these days it’s hard to keep track. Start small by making believable mistakes, then gradually incorporate other genres until your friend’s sanity snaps. By the last episode you should be asking if Sauron was defeated by the Space Marines or Carmen Sandiego.

Mistake it for a Lord of the Rings sequel

Ignore all the publicity that says The Rings of Power is a prequel, and instead insist that it’s set after the events of The Hobbit, which itself came after The Lord of the Rings trilogy. This means you can ask why Frodo, Sam, and all the other Borrowers haven’t made a cameo. It’s a bit rude really, you’d have thought they’d ask Daniel Radcliffe to reprise his role as the Ring-bearer.

Remind them that they’re a bit too old for this

The Rings of Power is obviously a very mature series about a bunch of pointy-eared people skipping around with swords and fighting orcs. Television doesn’t get any more adult than that. Wind up your nerd pal by suggesting it’s actually aimed at prepubescent losers who make a D&D players look cool, even though nothing could be further from the truth.

Say the Great Eagles could have fixed everything in five minutes

Amaze and annoy your fan friend by pointing out that the Great Eagles, who everyone knows were the messengers and spies of Manwë, could have picked up the One Ring, flown over Mordor and dropped it in Mount Doom in a matter of minutes. There’s undoubtedly an in-universe explanation for this plot hole, but it’s definitely bollocks.

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Six classic arguments to have with your partner during the big shop

RUNNING low on ways to argue with your partner? Do the big shop together and step into these petty fights: 

‘We have that at home’

When your partner innocently reaches for a tin of chopped tomatoes, shoot them down by reminding them that you already have loads of them at home. They’ll feel like a humiliated child then make the valid point that stockpiling tinned food is a good idea in this economy. You’re both right, meaning you’ll never be able to move past your simmering resentment.

Buy too much crap

Filling the trolley with crisps and fizzy drinks instead of fruit and vegetables will cause your partner to sulk by the magazines for a bit. Unless you want your relationship to fall apart on the drive home, remind them that junk food contains the cheapest calories you can buy. Nobody can resist cost-effective smooth talking.

Disagree about brands

Your partner thinks demanding branded toilet paper makes you a decadent French duke, instead of someone who prefers not to scour their anus with Tesco value sandpaper. If you want this to be the last big shop you ever do together, point out that Tesco value is a brand in itself so their logic doesn’t hold up. Before long you’ll be buying meals for one.

Middle-aisle madness

You’re shopping on a tight budget, and even the slightest deviation could drive you into poverty. That’s why you should resist the urge to buy a set of archaeologists’ hammers or a telescopic gutter-cleaner from the middle aisle of Lidl. Although if you want to end your relationship but you’re too cowardly to say, go ahead.

Eat too many free samples

Your other half is a dignified sort who only nibbles on the smallest, crumb-sized samples the cheese counter has to offer. You, on the other hand, have been known to treat the bakery section like an all-you-can-eat buffet. The ensuing confrontation over your eating habits is a perfect case study of how opposites do not attract and are in fact doomed.

Browse idly

Shopping is easier when you memorise the floor plan and get in and out within half an hour. Therefore if you want to start an epic row, peel away from your partner and start aimlessly drifting around the aisles. When they finally catch up with you, say ‘so there you bloody are’ as if they were the one at fault. This should fuel arguments until the next big shop.