Boris Johnson's moronic f**k ups, ranked!

FROM mishandling Covid to hiring Chris Pincher, these are the catastrophic errors made by Boris Johnson during his time in power, ranked.

Decorating 11 Downing Street with gold wallpaper

This is low down on the list because slapping gaudy £840-a-roll wallpaper on the walls of Number 11 was more Carrie’s fault than Boris’s. He did nothing to stop her though, and even withheld related messages about funding from his ethics adviser while blaming his newborn son in the process. Textbook parenting.

Backing Owen Paterson

In normal times, the decision to protect an MP who broke lobbying rules from suspension while simultaneously ripping up the Commons disciplinary process would be a prime minister’s defining scandal. However Boris Johnson’s reign was not normal times. This f**k up can’t be placed any higher because nobody died and he eventually U-turned.


The discovery that the prime minister and his staffers enjoyed multiple epic piss ups during lockdown was a galling affront to the sacrifices made by the rest of the country. As if that wasn’t bad enough, partygate led to closer scrutiny of the opposition and birthed Johnson’s most wince-inducing insult ‘Sir Beer Korma’.

Proroguing parliament

The prime minister broke the law when he suspended parliament for five weeks in 2019 so that Brexit legislation could avoid scrutiny. That’s a fact upheld by the Supreme Court. Nobody has officially come out and said he lied to the Queen in the process but it’s what everyone thinks, including the Queen probably. It would explain why she can’t be bothered to travel to London to wave him off.

Hiring Chris Pincher

In theory this should be number one in the rankings. The hiring of Chris Pincher by Boris Johnson – who knew the former deputy Chief Whip was related to allegations of sexual misconduct – ultimately led to his downfall. Yes, it was egregious, but it didn’t result in the death of 205,000 people so it has to take second place.

Mishandling Covid

A multi-car pileup of ineptitude from start to finish. First there was the missed COBRA meetings, then there was the delayed lockdowns, the Barnard Castle affair and a close shave with death prompted by his own stupidity. It defies logic that he can say he got all the big calls right when he was the architect of one of the worst public health failures in British history. Although Jeremy Corbyn should also take some of the blame for not beating Johnson in the election.

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The bank, and other places it's acceptable to throw a wobbly

AS a mature adult you should keep your emotions in check and never lose your shit in public. Except when you visit these places:

The bank

After scouring Google Maps and walking four miles to find an open branch, you’ll be greeted by a cheery advisor who informs you that you need to make an appointment to see a specialist advisor for your banking needs, and they are unavailable for the next four weeks. You blow your top and are barred from the branch, meaning you have to walk nine miles to find one next time.

The Jobcentre

You enter hoping to find meaningful employment, and within five minutes you have been stripped of your dignity and are ablaze with rage. The only job available is at a fish processing plant an hour’s drive from your house and they want you to work the 11pm to 5am shift. You begrudgingly fill in the ludicrously long form, only to be informed when you return it to the desk that the role has been filled, sorry. You understandably lose your rag, and end up in a Daily Mail article about attacks on security guards.

The beach

A day out at the beach will be lovely, you think, and this delusion lasts all the way until you almost get in a fight in the car park for allegedly nicking someone’s space. When you finally arrive on the sand it’s too hot, you can’t swim because the water’s full of sewage and you get hit in the face with a frisbee. Cue you screaming at seagulls to f**k off, terrifying small children and being decked by a similarly sweating and pissed off dad.

The cinema

Going to see the latest Marvel epic on its opening weekend seems like a fun idea, but in reality you’ll be surrounded by teenagers who are texting their mate two rows back and won’t turn off the pinging notification sound. Factor in the woman sitting next to you browsing Amazon with her screen brightness turned up full and the kid behind kicking the back of your chair, and you’ll be throwing your popcorn at the screen and shouting obscenities before you can say ‘banned for life’.

The car

The car is the best arena to lose your shit in because it feels private, even though everyone else in the queue at the Tesco mini roundabout can very clearly see you. The main thing is to stay in the car and, after you’ve wound down the window and called a man in a Range Rover Evoque a ‘stupid bellend driving a car specifically designed for wankers’, lock the doors.