About time we had a sexual misconduct scandal, Tories agree

SENIOR Tories have welcomed accusations of sexual misconduct against a cabinet minister and aide on the grounds that it’s been months.

The news that the minister and the senior aide were kept in post despite allegations of assault and groping has seen many in the party sigh with relief at getting back on track.

Conservative grandee Denys Finch Hatton said: “It’s been a bugger of a summer. Inflation, terrible policing, strikes – failing in all those areas where Tories traditionally excel.

“So thank God we’ve dug deep and found ourselves a good honest sex scandal. At a time on national crisis it’s a much-needed reaffirmation of the Conservative brand. Telling voters exactly what we stand for.

“And what a gift to Boris. Over the next 72 hours I expect he’ll consider the matter closed, accept an apology, consider the matter closed, sack the men in question, consider the matter closed, bow to pressure and order an inquiry then refuse to discuss it because there’s an inquiry. It’s like his greatest hits.

“This should really boost us in the polls. You’d never see Labour behind a sex scandal like this. They haven’t got the balls.”

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Are you more qualified to present MasterChef than Gregg Wallace?

YOU probably assume Gregg Wallace is a top chef, but he’s actually a former greengrocer masquerading as a cooking expert. Are you more qualified to present Masterchef than he is?

Can you cook?

Gregg Wallace never cooks on Masterchef, he just watches other people do it while occasionally calling out ‘Luverly!’ like the former Covent Garden barrow boy he actually is. If you can make a Pot Noodle without causing a minor house fire, you’re more of a kitchen wizard than him.

Have you ever eaten in a restaurant?

Aside from the fake ones they set up for the Masterchef final, Gregg has never eaten in a restaurant, as he’s more comfortable in a greasy spoon or down the boozer. If you’ve ever been to a proper, classy restaurant, like Nando’s or Wagamama, you’ve got the upper hand on Mr Wallace.

Are you carrying a few extra pounds?

Anyone who genuinely loves eating would be a bit overweight, right? Then how come Gregg recently lost four stone and says he is striving to have ‘the body of a 20-year-old’? No genuine foodie would eschew cooking in favour of exercise, so you’re definitely more qualified than that lean, toned gym bunny.

Do you have a sugar addiction?

Gregg adores sweet things and takes particular pride in his pudding judgement. But, once the sugar hits, his ability to think critically vanishes and Gregg believes every dessert is a perfect ten. If you can retain your senses while eating a tarte tatin with lashings of custard, you’ve got him beat.

Can you express an opinion without hearing John Torode say it first?

Some aspects of Masterchef are a given, which makes it easy for Gregg: fondant puddings always fail to be gooey and rack of lamb is always underdone. For anything else, he can just parrot the opinion of co-host John Torode, who is a real chef and knows his stuff. If you have the confidence to say ‘Shut up John, that f**king raw, not rare’ you should take Gregg’s place immediately.