I THINK I speak for all men when I say ladies should be fragrant, delicate creatures with a hint of the startled fawn about them. Here are my rules for the fairer sex. By Martin Bishop.
Get drunk
There’s literally nothing worse than seeing a woman drunk. It’s unladylike, common and deeply intimidating. What sort of man wants to spend time with an inebriated woman who’s laughing all the time and being flirtatious? Not me, I can tell you.
Wear trousers
There’s only one outfit a lady should be seen in – a pretty floral dress. Trousers are so ugly, and hide their lovely slender legs. Some would say it’s the only practical attire in certain jobs like policewoman. But it is really a good idea to have lady policemen in the first place, struggling to park their police cars properly and arresting innocent people because they’re on their period?
Say you are going to the toilet
In a restaurant, a true lady will simply say ‘Excuse me’ or disappear without saying anything. No man likes to imagine them performing vile bodily functions, so act at all times as though you lack a bladder, urethra and genitals. It’s the best way to maintain your feminine mystique.
Breaking wind
Even if a lady breaks wind by accident, they should immediately leave the social gathering and remain at home until the shameful incident has – hopefully – been forgotten, probably between four and six months. Obviously this does not apply to men, for whom breaking wind confidently asserts their masculinity and is hilariously funny.
Disagree with a man
A man will know what to watch on TV or the best sort of takeaway to get due to his larger brain. That’s simply evolution. And if he’s wrong about something it is a lady’s duty to back him up. If he says ‘Did you know the earth is actually a cube?’, say ‘Gosh, I hope we don’t slide off.’ Your relationship will be so much better if you force yourself to act like an imbecile 24/7.
Chew gum
A disgusting habit, for women. You look like a big filthy cow vacantly chewing the cud while shitting constantly. Scarlett Johansson could come round to my flat right now wanting sex, and if she was chewing gum I’d say no. Admittedly the chances of having sex with Ms Johansson are fairly low, which is a shame because I haven’t had a shag for eight years. I can’t think why.
