A LASTING relationship is a great opportunity to let things slide and revert to being a slovenly beast. Here’s how to make the most of relationship ‘Easy Street’.
You were once quite good company, with your jokes and moderately original insights into films and politics. But it was tiring and you’ve snared your partner now, so tonight you’ll be having a conversation about which bin day it is tomorrow. It’ll be grindingly dull, but zero effort is required and that’s the main thing.
Learn from miserable older couples who long ago stopped saying ‘Sorry I didn’t catch that, darling’ in favour of rudely shouting ‘WHAT?’. Table manners can go too. Stuffing food in your gob like a monkey is fine, along with belching and farting during a meal. You won’t be sitting at the dining table anyway, you’ll be slumped in front of the telly in old boxer shorts that are now more skidmark than cloth.
Sexual adventurousness is considered a good thing, but what about sexual efficiency? After years together you’ll know which buttons to press, or rub, for a speedy orgasm. Taking your socks off is erotic enough. If your partner expects more they clearly have a pathological sex obsession and need psychiatric help.
Everyone looks good in a well-fitting dress or brand new menswear. But now you can live in shapeless sweatshirts or an old Def Leppard t-shirt. If you’re married, what’s your partner going to do? Divorce you and traumatise the kids? As if. Slip into your jogging bottoms with unpleasant yellow crotch stains and chill.
Spending time with their friends
Remember feigning interest as your partner’s mate Iain droned on about ‘funny’ things that happen in IT support? Or you had to look sad for Clare who was heartbroken again due to consistently dating narcissistic serial cheaters? It seems so long ago, thank f**k. Now you can just not bother to meet them and hang out with your new friends, the Targaryens. They’re so much more interesting.
Telling the truth
Not so much big lies, eg. ‘I’m definitely not shagging your best friend.’ More the feeble daily lies about stuff you’re going to do but don’t, like cooking a nice dinner or finally assembling that flatpack book case. By now your partner has you down as a useless, unreliable twat and they love you just the same. Maybe ‘love’ is too strong a word. ‘Is too old and fat to find someone new’ is more accurate.