The top ten accents you shouldn't mock but it's just not possible

IN the modern age, we should be better than mocking accents. But whose fault is it? Ours, or regional simpletons with funny voices? Here’s a top ten rundown:

10. Yokel

You’d think people who talked like their trousers are tied at the knees with harvesting twine were a thing of the past. But they’re still out there, gradually taking over cities like Bristol and Oxford, where they think lightbulbs are witchcraft.

9. Liverpudlian

Mockery of the Scouse accent has just caused the citizens of Liverpool to double down. In a half-time Sky analysis Jamie Carragher will spray enough phlegm to make the players stick to the pitch.

8. Geordie

Attempts at assimilation have proved futile and the Geordie accent remains as impenetrable as the consonant-free chatter of remote Amazonian tribes. Who have a longer life expectancy and healthier diet of poisonous tree frogs.

7. Yorkshire

However harmless the intentions of a Yorkshireman, the accent implies that he’s asking you into the car park for a fight. It may also be used for ‘straight talking’ and self-regarding comments like ‘I say as I see’, in which case they can stick a black pudding up their arse.

6. Welsh

The Welsh regard life as a musical. It’s not so much an accent as bursting into song every time you open your mouth.  

5. Stoke

You won’t recognise the accent because, like all of us, you’ve never been to Stoke-on-Trent. Also involves totally mangling the English language, eg. ‘I’m going make us dinners, duck.’ Robbie Williams had to spend ten years at a finishing school before being admitted to Take That.

4. Scottish

Want to sound drunk even when you’re sober? Sorted.

3. Posh

Big, broad, galloping vowels honking out some crap about Tamara’s start-up or skiing holidays. May decrease in popularity as an accent if the ruling class is slaughtered en masse like 18th century French aristocrats in the next few years.

2. Mancunian

You will never live Oasis down, nor will ever you be forgiven. Whinging dimwit Noel Gallagher? He is your god.

1. Brummie

You’re kind, good-natured and no doubt intelligent people but your accent is so bad if you invented a cure for cancer all the other scientists would think you were taking the mick and laugh. Also Adrian Chiles is a Brummie, so you owe the rest of the UK compensation.

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How Britain's coming recession will work: A simple guide for Liz Truss

BRITONS who do not understand simple economics, like Liz Truss, seem confused as to how the coming recession will begin. Here is a step-by-step guide:

Rocketing inflation means ordinary people cutting spending on non-essential items, like meals out or trainers. Shops close and employees lose their jobs. Liz Truss responds with unprecedented cuts to corporation tax.

The unemployed cut spending further, meaning even more closures of shops and manufacturers. More jobs are lost and the spiral continues. Liz Truss hits back by cutting benefits.

Britons struggling to pay bills and rent move back in with their parents. Buy-to-let wankers suddenly can’t pay their mortgages and sell their twatty investments. House prices plummet. Liz Truss announces tax breaks for investment buyers holding multiple properties.

Government raises interest rates to stop inflation. Nobody has any savings because the recession’s wiped them out, but it is the final straw for thousands of mortgage holders. House prices plummet further. Liz Truss unveils a rescue package for banks.

Nation hits rock bottom. There are no jobs, no money and nothing on the telly because Channel 4’s been sold, Netflix is a distant dream and the BBC’s been cut to f**k. Liz Truss makes keynote speech decrying our ‘something-for-nothing’ culture before abolishing capital gains tax.

Britain limps to 2024. Liz Truss remembers there’s a general election coming, borrows £6 billion and lavishes it on the country. Economy returns to growth for first time in two years. Everyone votes Tory because you can’t trust Labour with the nation’s finances. Liz Truss re-elected with beam of pride.