Subscribe

Five ways to take advantage of every other f**ker watching the football tonight

NOT watching England get knocked out by Argentina this evening? Here’s how to enjoy a country where everyone else is busy: 

Do your big shop

Supermarkets will look like that scene from 28 Days Later, but will be open. Pushing your trolley around a deserted Tesco, aisles eerily empty, idly browsing the Whoops! shelf without fear of being barged aside, is the ultimate luxury. An empty space where cases of Peroni once sat is the only sign football is happening somewhere.

Share dark secrets

You’re living a lie, but tonight is an amnesty. Go to any open space and scream at maximum volume ‘I’m cheating on you! I urinate in the bathroom sink! It was me who broke the strimmer by using it to open beer bottles!’ and your cries will go unheard but for a solitary dog-walker.

Go for a stroll on the M1

Usually tricky, due to all the cars. But after 8pm tonight it will be abandoned, no more than a extra-wide footpath for those who couldn’t give a f**k about our apparently ancient rivalry with Argentina. Why not make an evening of it, and have a sunset picnic on a slip road?

Become an influencer

All those spots influencers queue at for photos where they pretend to be blissfully alone? Tonight they’re actually empty. Speed around Blencathra, Notting Hill, The Shambles, Lulworth Cove and Meadow Well council estate, South Shields, and you’ll have 400,000 followers before extra time! If you’re pretty.

Rob a bank

A bank heist takes months of preparation, but tonight? With guards and police all glued to their phones? You’ll be in and out of the vault in 90 minutes, blaring alarms ignored as Rice is sent off and Messi awarded a penalty for no specific reason. But will being several million richer really make up for missing the most important game ever known? Yes.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

How to explain being in lingerie if he's not interested

OPENED the door in stockings and suspenders, only for him to shoulder past asking which cupboard the crisps are in? Use these excuses for why you’re in a lacy set: 

‘It’s laundry day’

Casually mention that every other item of clothing you own is in the wash after a sauce accident, and a red leather corset accessorised with riding crop is what any practical adult wears while waiting for the cycle to finish. What were you supposed to do, answer the door in yesterday’s jeans?

‘I’m breaking these in’

Like Doc Martens, crotchless knickers need wearing around the house before they get comfortable. Otherwise you risk blisters. So you were just getting some wear on those, and the fishnets, while doing household tasks like taking the bins out and filing bank statements.

‘It’s for posture’

Insist the support of the basque has done wonders for your lower back. Frankly it’s more effective than yoga and unlike yoga, you can drink wine. The stilettos are for calf strength and the stockings are actually medical compression socks bought on prescription.

‘I’m doing a wardrobe audit’

Tell him you’re checking whether any of it still fits before deciding what to keep. His complete lack of curiosity has actually made the process much easier and this lime green G-string is going straight to British Heart Foundation. Maybe a needy pensioner could buy it, or someone with a functioning sex life.

‘It’s a social experiment’

You wanted to find out whether a heterosexual man could fail to notice a woman standing in front of him dressed like a burlesque performer. Your hypothesis has been spectacularly confirmed. You will now write this up in your Masters thesis, ‘Selective Blindness in Idiotic Boyfriends Offered Sex: A Practical Study’.

‘I lost a bet’

Refuse to elaborate. Let him spend the next six months wondering what kind of wager ends with Agent Provocateur and an open pot of chocolate body paint. Mumble something about ‘the girls from Accounts’ and ‘Janine really got the better of me that time’. This is also the best way to explain why you’ve shaved a heart into your fanny.

Next story ›