Five ways to tell the difference between your landlord and a 17th-century vampire

ONE is a benevolent owner of property asking only a small fee to house you, the other is a soulless undead monster who wants to suck you dry of blood. But which is which?  

Vampires can’t come in unless invited

A vampire cannot cross the threshold of your home unless invited in. Landlords are meant to give you written notice, but it’s their house and who the f**k are you but some parasite scuffing their skirting boards? So when you come home and he’s in the kitchen eating your yoghurt, it at least proves he’s not Dracula.

Vampires use authority to their advantage

The Count wasn’t an idle peasant. He ruled Transylvania, allowing the villagers to live only as his cattle, stealing their daughters with complete impunity. Landlords, by contrast, only have the government, banking sector and decades of favourable housing law on their sides when evicting you for not jetwashing the wheelie bin.

Vampires rule a dynasty going back millennia

To become a vampire, you must be turned by a vampire who wants you to become part of their coven. To be a landlord, all you need is to have inherited property or wealth which allows you to rule an empire of property from your detached mansion on a hill, grinning malevolently as you pull the strings and watch your puppets jerk in response.

Vampires live in wealth while those around them struggle to survive

The children of the night hoard their wealth from their many lifetimes, living in castles surrounded by fine art and golden goblets. Indifferent to suffering, as society crumbles around them they profit from pain. Whereas landlords sometime suffer short-term losses due to rising interest rates until next month when they up your rent.

Vampires can be killed with a stake through the heart

A wooden stake and the scattering of ashes will end a vampire forever. A landlord, however, will look down in dismay at the stake and explain that not only does this mean that you’re losing your deposit, you’ll be charged £450 for a deep clean and a £200 cardiac renewal fee. And they won’t be giving you a reference.

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TV pays tribute to Matthew Perry with rare Friends repeat

TV channels are paying their respects following the tragic loss of Matthew Perry with a once-in-a-lifetime repeat of Friends.

Networks the world over have cleared their scheduled programming to make room for an unprecedented back-to-back run of Friends repeats in memory of the star.

A Sky spokesperson said: “We don’t usually like to repeat sitcoms. But, today of all days, it felt like we should make a worthy exception.

“Digging out the episodes from the archive was a bit of a mission. We thought they’d been wiped, because when would we ever need them again? But eventually we cracked a vault that hadn’t been opened since 2006, blew the dust off and there they were.

“For fans this is the chance to see episodes they’ve only ever read about. It will be weird for them, seeing those 90s fashions and haircuts for the first time, but we hope they’ll be able to look past the jarring unfamiliarity and enjoy Perry’s performances.

“And for the first time we’re repeating not just one episode but whole seasons. There are fans out there who have no idea how Chandler and Monica even got together. This is their one chance to find out.”