Four Year-Old Dog Found Guilty Of Rape

A FAMILY dog is beginning a prison sentence today after being convicted of raping a hat, a seat cushion and a 32 year-old knee.

'His breath smelled of sheep droppings'

Bobby, a four year-old golden retriever from Stevenage, was sentenced to 12 years in dog jail and will also undergo drug therapy to control his dangerous sexual urges.

The jury took just eight seconds to arrive at a verdict as the dog sat panting quietly in the dock, occasionally reacting very suddenly to nothing in particular.

The judge, Mr Justice Hatton, said: “You charmed those around you with your bright eyes and jolly tail, but it was nothing more than a devious and cynical sham to conceal your depravity.

“Your violations and defilements are incompatible with decent society and you have scarred and traumatised an optimistic, fresh-faced knee, a plump young cushion with its whole life ahead of it and a deeply lovely hat.”

The wide-brimmed straw hat, known only as ‘Miss X’, said: “I was terrified of being left alone in the same room with him. I would try and shout out to my owner not to leave me behind, but I couldn’t because I’m just a hat and can only talk in a very quiet voice.”

She added: “I would close my eyes and pretend I was at the beach while he thrust this bright red thing at me and tried desperately to get some purchase on my rim.

“The whole thing would last for about 10 seconds and then he’d wander off into the corner and lick his testicles. I would look into his eyes for some sign of guilt or shame, but there was nothing – just a kind of vacant stupidity.”

‘Mr Y’, the owner of the 32 year-old knee, said: “I do wear shorts quite a lot so I suppose some people at the Daily Mail will say I was asking for it. But my knees are young and are just trying to have a good time.”

Penal reform campaigner, Julian Cook, said: “Our prisons are now overflowing with rapist dogs. We need a debate about how we can deal with these offenders using community-based sentences such as hitting them with a rolled up newspaper, like they do in Sweden.”

But Mr Y added: “Every time I look down I can see him wrapping his front legs around me and thrusting his dirty hips.

“He’s not a dog, he’s an animal.”