Match Of The Day To Carry Blackpool Warning

THE BBC is to warn Match Of The Day fans before showing scenes of a graphic Blackpool nature, it was confirmed last night.

Following Blackpool’s promotion to the Premier League, next season’s programmes will feature a message from Simon Bates, warning that some scenes may be unsuitable for those who visited the resort and spent the whole time scraping a thick, brown film from their skin while dodging used condoms and the drunk Glaswegians who had recently filled them.

BBC producer Martin Bishop said: “After last years’ Alan Pardew unpleasantness we must do all we can to avoid inflicting any fresh traumas on our mentally fragile audience.

“The last thing we want is somebody having a Vietnam-style flashback to a sticky, matted stag weekend involving a 36-hour karaoke session and a basket of deep fried skanks.”

Bishop said the corporation would also be forced to pixelate the face of Blackpool manager Ian Holloway what with it looking like the result of a toddler being handed a large egg and a marker pen.

But experts insist that television coverage will be vital to Blackpool’s ambitions to become Lancashire’s answer to Monte Carlo if the Riviera playground smelled constantly of burnt fat.

Julian Cook, professor of being beside the seaside at Reading University, said: “The average house price has already skyrocketed to almost 2000 Nectar points and Marks and Spencer is considering opening a store about 65 miles from the town centre.

“However, there is still a long way to go which means the only reason why anyone should visit Blackpool is if a raging forest fire or a battalion of armoured hell-hounds is pushing you inexorably toward the coast.”

Meanwhile the local council has made Holloway a freeman of the borough, which, under a 900 year-old by-law, gives him the right to wheelbarrow a drunk girl from Gateshead along the Golden Mile without having to clean up her droppings.


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Moir Condemns Ronan Keating's Sordid Heterosexual Lifestyle

DAILY Mail columnist Jan Moir was facing calls to to resign last night after attacking Boyzone singer Ronan Keating’s ‘sleazy’ heterosexual lifestyle.

Keating is currently under intense scrutiny in the mainstream gay tabloid press after admitting to not only having a female partner but also having full penetrative intercourse with at least two vaginas.

In an article entitled, ‘The Sordid World of the Male Fanny Jabbers’, fundamentalist lesbian Moir attacked the sensitive Irish pop star for undermining traditional homosexual values.

She wrote: “Most of us are quite content with our staid and suburban subcultures – whether it be diesel dykes or leather daddies – while young, carefree celebrities galavant from one vagina to the next, seemingly oblivious to the norms of an otherwise tolerant gay society.

“Stars like Keating openly revel in the perverse delights of female genitalia, slaves to the twisted desire to jab their bits into a woman like they were completing some horrific jigsaw puzzle made of meat.

“It is believed Keating cheated on his so-called ‘wife’ with a scantily-clad female dancer – the type of woman commonly known in the straight scene as a ‘slag’, a ‘tart’ or a ‘filthy ricker’.

“In the perverse patois of this grubby, twilight world some are even known as ‘bikes’ because they like to be ‘ridden’.

“These bicycles then disport themselves in heterosexual bars with names like ‘All Bar One’ and ‘Wetherspoons’, where they can be bought for the price of something called a ‘Southern Comfort and lemonade’.”

She added: “I’m not saying that being straight is wrong, but it obviously is.”

Heterosexual rights campaigner Tom Logan said: “It’s depressingly predictable for the gay majority to depict straight men as drunken predators lurching from one depressing bar to another in search of soulless, opportunistic sex with as many partners as possible.

“Even if that is pretty much what we’re like.”