Freezing shitty spring means lovely long hot summer, Britain lies to itself

THE UK is deluding itself that a wet, windy and f**king freezing spring means it can look forward to a lovely long hot summer. 

Across Britain, people are opening the curtains to pissing rain, turning the thermostat up a notch and, against all reason and experience, believing this means that June will be a real scorcher.

Plasterer Ryan Whittaker said: “Just another week of this then it’s the hot vax summer.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s a meteorological rule that when you get a cold, wet May the following three months are absolutely blazing. It’s something to do with the jetstream.

“I mean my main holiday’s a fortnight camping in Whitby, so there’s no way it can be absolutely lashing down and 11 degrees by then. No way at all.”

Hannah Tomlinson agreed: “I keep telling the garden to drink that rain up, because after this it’s a solid 90 days of unbroken sunshine and hot, lazy nights.

“Absolutely no doubt. The summer of a lifetime is approaching. Also, there definitely won’t be another lockdown.”

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Friends reunion to reveal it was shit

THE much anticipated Friends reunion will reveal that the cast hated each other, the characters were stupid and it was actually bollocks. 

The show will begin with all six actors walking onto the set, wincing at the sight of Central Perk and sitting down stiffly to get this shit over with.

Audience member Helen Archer said: “They began by asking David Schwimmer about his favourite Ross moments, and he said that if he’d ever had any they’d been ruined by people shouting ‘Pivot!’ in the street.

“Jennifer Aniston admitted that for all her wealth, it was soul-deadening to only be remembered for something she hadn’t done for 16 years which wasn’t even that funny.

“Then Matthew Perry stared directly into the camera and said ‘People. Stop. It was only ever okay,’ followed by a tedious montage of him putting a weird emphasis on the word ‘be’.

“Lisa Kudrow and Matt LeBlanc agreed on what bullshit their characters were, then the cast were asked if they ever meet up and they said no, never, they actively avoid each other because it hurts to remember.

“It was a massive downer, but you know what? I needed it. I don’t want to watch Friends ever again. I’m free.”