Gary Barlow trapped in Queen’s arse

SURGEONS are working to free Take That toady Gary Barlow after he became wedged inside the Queen.

Barlow wore a special shiny suit to reduce friction

The singer and organiser of Buckingham Palace’s Diamond Jubilee Concert had been fawning over the monarch during a meeting about what colour trousers Madness should wear. When she fell asleep, he clambered into her backside.

Unfortunately his passage into the Queen’s body was blocked by antipodean lickspittle Rolf Harris, who already resides in her colon where he has a permanent studio. Surgeons now have less the 24 hours to remove Barlow from Her Majesty’s lower intestine before jubilee celebrations begin.

Doctor Stephen Malley said: “Barlow has somehow become wedged sideways in the Queen, I think because he was trying to punch and kick Rolf Harris.

“We’re trying to get a rope around his torso so we can drag him out like a calf.”

He added: “Ordinarily we would let Gary Barlow pass through the Queen’s body naturally or with the aid of mild laxatives, but given the impending celebrations we have to be more aggressive.

“This weekend the world’s media will be focused on the Queen, and were she to give rectal birth to a middle-aged man in the midst of it all there would be an absolute furore.

“Also of course Barlow would then technically be a prince, and the Queen would have to give him a county and a special soldier outfit, neither of which he deserves.”