Government plan to promote car travel ‘going brilliantly’

THE government’s ongoing campaign to drive commuters off public transport is having the desired effect, it has been claimed.

There’s nothing like queueing in a wide open space

As the latest exorbitant train fare rises are unveiled, ministers congratulated themselves on maintaining the popularity of Britain’s roads.

Transport minister Norman Baker said: “This country has spent absolutely shitloads on motorways over the years, but if we had a cheap, efficient public transport system they would hardly get used.

“Imagine the M25 as an empty, spooky expanse of tarmac. Sad, isn’t it? Also cars are so much smaller than trains, and thus better for the environment.

“This is why we’ve been working hard with the rail industry to make trains a tragi-comedy of human misery.”

Besides making trains prohibitively expensive, filthy and staffed by surly pedants, the government has announced a ‘Cars Are Great’ campaign, fronted by ‘Colin the Car’.

A spokesman for the initiative said: “Colin the Car will tour schools, teaching kids about the advantages of car travel over public transport, for example being able to listen to your own music without headphones and chuck drink cartons at cyclists.”

9-year-old Emma Bradford said: “Colin told me I’ll get stabbed if I go on the bus. Apparently walking is dangerous too, so I’ll have to stay home for at least the next seven years.”