THE government is to spend almost £600 billion on the four biggest things it could think of.
The plans include £100bn on a six mile-wide footpath which will spiral outwards from Derby and then just disappear into the sea.
More than £130bn will be spent adding 200,000 new shops to Swindon, each one specially designed to go out of business after six hours.
£150bn will be spent on a two foot-wide, 10 mile-high, stainless steel pyramid which will be moved around the country so people can touch it.
£210bn will be spent electrifying every single tree in Britain. The trees will then explode, one by one, over the next 350 years.
Danny Alexander, the chief secretary to the Treasury, said: “Perhaps all of this will stop Britain disappearing underwater for half the year. I really have no idea.”