Northern grandmother gets sprouts on

A GRANDMOTHER in Lancashire has begun boiling the vegetables for her Christmas dinner.

84-year-old Blackburn resident Susan Traherne prepared the sprouts and cabbage last night so she could get them boiling first thing this morning.

Confirming that the saucepan was now simmering, she said: “There is a simple rule with veg which I learned in domestic science class during the war – two days boiling per ounce, plus an extra week to be on the safe side.

“If you cannot eat them without putting your teeth in, then they are raw as far as I am concerned.

Mrs Traherne explained that after the vegetables had been cooking for 12 days she would drain off some of the water to add to her gravy.

She said: “I will then thicken the gravy with cornflour until it is solid enough to be sliced with a bread knife.”

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Cameron vows UK will be last place on Earth to legalise weed

THE prime minister has promised that cannabis will still be illegal in Britain decades after everyone else has given in.

Cameron reacted to the news that Uruguay is legalising the drug by vowing that the UK will forever be the only person in the room not giggling at Spongebob Squarepants.  

He continued: “No matter how many scientists I have to smear, how many police chiefs I must ignore or how many times I must pretend to myself that my wife is only lighting joss-sticks in her room, I will never surrender.

“At least until the editor of the Daily Mail dies at which point I’ll test the water with that medicinal marijuana cop-out.”

Cannabis dealer Wayne Hayes said: “David Cameron is a leader who listens to business, and he knows that if cannabis is legalised then my profit margin goes through the floor.

“Keep it illegal, keep it artisanal, and keep the taxman well away.”