Guests reminded that fairly shit meal took ages to cook

A DINNER party host has explained how a bland meal took a ridiculous amount of time to cook.

The unremarkable lamb dish served by marketing manager Bill McKay somehow took three days to prepare, although the same results could have been achieved in an hour.

McKay said: “The prep time was about six hours, not including sourcing everything from local suppliers. The secret is to marinade it overnight with special herbs, then cook it ‘low ’n’ slow’ over the course of 72 hours, frequently basting the meat in its own juices.”

Guest Donna Sheridan said: “It was just a hunk of meat really, with a slightly blackened exterior. Definitely on the dry side but then he cooked it for fucking ages so that’s not surprising really.

“Bill’s laboured joke about spending so much time in the kitchen that he might have to put a bed in there was also clearly a piece of emotional blackmail. I think I hate him.”

Fellow guest Nathan Muir said: “We can’t speak the truth now without basically saying Bill’s a shit, pretentious cook who’s spent three days pointlessly arsing around with fennel bulbs, and we are all spineless liars.

“He’s got us exactly where he wants us – in a tangled web of deceit caused by our own cowardice and hypocrisy. The bread rolls were okay though.”

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John Terry admits his legs have disappeared

CHELSEA captain John Terry has revealed that his legs have worn away to tiny stubs.

Terry’s lack of legs was long rumoured, but he managed to keep his condition a secret until last weekend’s 3-3 draw with Everton during which he emerged on a mobility scooter, scoring a last-minute equaliser after Everton’s defence failed to pick up the vehicle.

Terry said: “Decades of frantic running around, not to mention knee, ankle, calf, thigh, hamstring and metatarsal injuries, have left me with just a pair of shiny nubs where my legs should be.

“I always wanted to play every minute of every game, but now Gary Cahill and Kurt Zouma have to literally carry me through matches. It turns out the pain barrier might be there for a reason.”