TEENAGERS are being recruited on social media to carry out contract killings. Could your offspring be planning a hit, or is he furiously wanking as usual? Find out:
Is he spending more time online?
A contract killing requires preparation: checking the ground, researching the target, detailing escape routes. Or, a fortnight into the summer holiday, he could need greater and greater levels of pornographic stimuli due to raised masturbatory stamina. A responsible parent will have the ‘Are you planning murder or wanking like a laboratory monkey?’ chat.
Is he smuggling items into his room?
If it’s a hit, he’ll need a weapon. Mysterious online purchases could be him piecing one together. Or it could be that he’s got so into hentai he’s buying statues of the characters, or he could have taken the plunge and invested in a Fleshlight. Only a comprehensive room search will tell you.
Do you hear foreign voices from his computer?
They could be his gangster handlers in Sweden or Turkey. Or he could be so into porn that he wants to follow the dialogue. Listen at the door, and hopefully he’s only gorging on unrealistic portrayals of sex, stunting his sexual development with a lifelong obsession over the hot MILF stepmother he’ll never have.
Is he more surly and troubled than usual?
Your teen won’t be the first assassin to have had second thoughts about killing a stranger in cold blood. But there could be innocent reasons, such as being just over a fortnight from confirming he’s f**ked all his GCSEs due to excessive wanking.
Is he extra-secretive about his computer?
Super-complicated passwords, encryption or simply putting a lock on his bedroom door could all mean there is evidence of crime on his ChromeBook. Or he may have got so far into a porn niche he cannot allow anyone to find out, such as school dinner lady porn with real dinner ladies.
Can you hear repeated moans from his bedroom?
It could be remorse for the completed hit. He could be struggling with his moral conscience. Either way, call the police immediately. If he’s innocent he has nothing to fear, and 16 armed officers crashing into his bedroom screaming ‘SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!’ might put him off wanking for a day or two.
